Poison Pen Preview: Eastern Conference

Hoc-kee?

Yeah, despite the best efforts of NHL owners and Little Gary Bettman, we have NHL hockey back. Lots of people are still pissed, and rightfully so; after all, we lost an entire season eight years ago so we'd never have to deal with labor strife again, at least as the story goes. Obviously, that wasn't the case, as greedy ownership looking to strangle nickels out of the necks of their on-ice product locked the players and fans out yet again. Part of the reason ownership vultures know they can keep pulling this stunt is because they know we simply can't quit them. Fans will fill the same buildings that were full for the past 8 seasons, Twitter will still explode at the sight of a goddam podium, and the San Jose Sharks will still tickle your dick for 90% of the season and then shit themselves in cinematic fashion. The more things change, the more they stay the same. I'm back too, and because I really hate your teams almost as much as I love mine, I'm gonna write stuff about them. Eastern Conference preview is today, Western Conference preview is tomorrow or Wednesday or Thursday or something. Namaste.

Atlantic Division

 

New Jersey Devils

 

Best Player: If he feels like showing up to play in North America this season, it's Ilya Kovalchuk. Kovalchuk should be a real draw that all 24 Devils fans in the entire world can get halfheartedly excited for since they all kinda hate him.

 

Worst Player: Meatbag Cam Janssen, who sucks dick in the most figurative sense. It's nice to know there's still a place in the NHL for a no-talent punching bag like Janssen so Don Cherry can sleep at night.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Devils are considering Bryce Salvador to take up the captaincy in Zach Parise's wake. Roll that one around on your tongue for a second. Now spit. Tastes awful, doesn't it?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: On opening night, the Devils will be allowing the first 10,000 fans in the arena a chance to put on a number 9 jersey and maybe take a shift and hey, wanna do this every night for $20 and all the Gatorade you can drink?

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 



New York Islanders

 

Best Player: John Tavares is legit. The Islanders need to start surrounding this kid with guys who can help him to keep him from Nash-ing himself. The Islanders may be a sneaky good team.

 

Worst Player: Eric Boulton is on this roster. Really. No, I'm not kidding, go look, I'll wait.

 

See? Haha, me too! No, it's not a different Eric Boulton than the doorknob that played for Buffalo.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Islanders are like Pepe LePew, chasing after pretty little polecats that want absolutely nothing to do with them. This time, it's Lubomir Visnovsky, a good player that apparently would rather slam his nuts in a car door than play for them.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Isles are raffling off the opportunity to be one of 300 lucky fans they can fit into a bunch of equipment bags and stuff into a box truck headed for Brooklyn.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

New York Rangers

 

Best Player: The King, Henrik Lundqvist. I like this guy, because I can identify with him. As an avowed summer-hater, I always disappear around the beginning of May too.

 

Worst Player: I didn't realize the Rangers brought Matt Gilroy back. Do they realize they brought Matt Gilroy back?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? That'd be sexy offseason acquisition Rick Nash, who scored the same number of points Pascal Dupuis did last season.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Rangers are offering select season ticket holders the opportunity to stand behind a podium and call Larry Brooks an asshole after every weekend home game.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Philadelphia Flyers

 

Best Player: The best player in the world for two weeks one warm spring, Claude Giroux. Flyers fans believe Giroux is the heir apparent to Bobby Clarke, the 14th different player that's held that title since Clarke retired to a life of GM trolling in 1984.

 

Worst Player: Defenseman Oliver Lauridsen, which sounds like handbag designer. He's probably the Flyers' #2 or #3 defenseman, because the other 18 defensemen they have on the roster are all guys I played with in a beer league last summer.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? WELCOME BACK, BRYZ!!! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US EVER AGAIN

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Prior to the home opener, Flyers players will throw batteries at the fans. They'll love it.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

Pittsburgh Penguins

 

Best Player: Cry all you want about it (I know I do), but it's still Sidney Crosby. Evgeni Malkin is better than Crosby when he's at his best, but he isn't always at his best. Crosby is ridiculously consistent at his level, so he gets the nod.

 

Worst Player: What the hell is a Jayson Megna? Because there's one on the Penguins' roster right now. Honorable mention to Matt Cooke, who could donate all his money to orphaned kids and still be a colossal asshole. People don't forget, fucker.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Domesticated swine Tyler Kennedy will get to play fantasy camper alongside Malkin and James Neal yet again, since the Penguins Still Haven't Gotten A Winger For Sid or something like that.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Penguins fans will threaten to revolt as coach Dan Bylsma holds Crosby, Malkin, Neal, Kris Letang, and Marc-Andre Fleury out of the lineup until the organization reveals it is *wink wink* REBUILDING prior to drafting Nathan MacKinnon in June's entry draft.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

Northeast Division

 

Boston Bruins

 

Best Player: Tyler Seguin is getting there, but no player separates the Bruins from the rest of the division like Zdeno Chara does. Also, he's like standing RIGHT BEHIND ME right now so yeah, you're handsome too Zdeno.

 

Worst Player: Bad form for me to say so, but if Chris Bourque's name was Chris Smith, he'd be playing for some team in Uzbekistan.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Milan Lucic is about 500 pounds right now. Seeya in September, big fella, and cut back on the DiGiornos.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Fine, if it's REALLY what you want, go ahead and call Joel Ward whatever you want. Hear no evil. But ONLY the first time the Caps visit, and that's it. Deal?"

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

Buffalo Sabres

 

Best Player: Ryan Miller in both of his forms: upright, and flat with a Milan Lucic-shaped footprint on his chest.

 

Worst Player: Jesus Christ, John Scott got someone to sign him? Did he tell Terry Pegula he has Leino blood in him?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Sabres wanted to trade Derek Roy for a guy who would make the team tougher to play against, but all they got was Steve Ott.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Terry Pegula is offering every fan the opportunity to play "owner for a day", where you will have the chance to, among other things, set giant piles of your own money on fire while you weep and mark off one more day until Ville Leino's contract runs out.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Montreal Canadiens

 

Best Player: Nobody likes him, but PK Subban is great. I'd watch a Habs game just to watch Subban play. PAY THE MAN, BERGEVIN.

 

Worst Player: The Habs send Scott Gomez home during a season that promises to be more wide-open and feature less obstruction and more power plays, and they sign Brandon Prust. Alrighty then!

 

Wait, they're counting on who? I wouldn't trust Rene Bourque to gas up my car, much less provide consistent scoring depth for my hockey team.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Habs management will be retiring a different number during every home game, and by the end of the season will feature the first players in NHL history to wear three-digit uniform numbers.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

Ottawa Senators

 

Best Player: I know we just spent an entire offseason treating Erik Karlsson as though he was the second coming of Bobby Orr, but I need to see him do it again. Until then, the Sens best player is still human cartoon Jason Spezza.

 

Worst Player: Chris Neil can blow me. He's probably not the worst player on the team, but he's close enough for me.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Hey, it's Craig Anderson's second season with a team after a stellar first season! WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: They're going to build a SECOND road to the arena! And maybe even put a stop sign or something somewhere on it!

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Toronto Maple Leafs

 

Best Player: Some guy that Brian Burke traded for and everybody was like "Wow, great move, Burke!"

 

Worst Player: Some guy that Brian Burke signed and everybody was like "WTF, they gotta fire Burke!"

 

Wait, they're counting on who? I don't know, but I can tell you who they're NOT counting on: Brian Burke, because they just fired him.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Wendel Clark, GM-for-life. Brian Burke Brian Burke.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Southeast Division

 





Carolina Hurricanes

 

Best Player: Whichever one of the Masked Staal Brothers is the legal man in the ring at the time. Seriously, they need to wear luchador masks.

 

Worst Player: I was gonna say Joe Corvo without really thinking twice until I noticed they have Bobby Sanguinetti on the roster. "Sanguinetti" sounds like it'd be delicious if it was an entree menu at Lucianos.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Alex Semin, that's who. And you know what? I think he's gonna be pretty good.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Two lucky fans will be drawn at the home opener, and they will get to marry Bill Cowher's other two daughters during a ceremony between the 2nd and 3rd periods.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 



Florida Panthers

 

Best Player: Stephen Weiss. As far as I'm concerned, there's absolutely no excuse for why "Miami Weiss" didn't catch on as this guy's nickname. WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, CHRIS BERMAN

 

Worst Player: I know he was a high pick, I know he was in a high profile trade. I also know it feels like he's played for about 12 teams in the past 3 years. Scottie Upshall, you do suck.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Yeah, just because Ed Jovanovski is your second-best defenseman doesn't mean he's a #2 defenseman.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Panthers owner Michael Yormark has enlisted a team of supervillains to blot out the sun and cover the beaches in ash. Going to the hockey game suddenly sounds GREAT now, doesn't it?

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Tampa Bay Lightning

 

Best Player: Well, I was talking to Barry Melrose the other day, and he knows way more about hockey than I do, and he said it's Ryan Malone. Who am I to argue with a former coach?

 

Worst Player: I had wondered which team drew the "Benoit Pouliot" card this season. Apparently Tampa did.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? If Sami Salo and Mattias Ohlund play 48 games COMBINED I'll eat my hat. Eric Brewer is going to look like Doug Jarvis next to those two.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Throughout the arena concourses, the Lightning have set up 8 "Guy Boucher Kissing Booths", featuring guest kissers during every game. Guest kissers will include an angry dog, a barracuda, a food processor, and a helicopter.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

Washington Capitals

 

Best Player: As much as Caps fans want you to believe that Nick Backstrom or Karl Alzner or Braden Holtby or John Carlson or Mike Green is the REAL best player on the Caps, it's still that fat guy that everybody picks on, Alex Ovechkin.

 

Worst Player: One of my favorite things about the Caps over the past few years has been the fact that they consider themselves legitimate Stanley Cup contenders yet still dress John Erskine in a team jersey and let him play ice hockey for them.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? So, like, if Braden Holtby is legitimately good, they're gonna trade him because Michal Neuvirth is better, right? They're gonna talk themselves and their fans into it, and it's gonna make PERFECT SENSE, right?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Caps owner Ted Leonsis has commissioned banners to be hung around the arena with each season ticket holder's name on it, as well as banners for every season ticket holder the Caps have ever had, as well as banners for fans who bought single game tickets once or twice, or even just had a passing thought about the Caps at some point during their lives. All the banners are red.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Winnipeg Jets

 

Best Player: Haha hey everybody, let's play a trick on the Jets fans and media and not tell them Evander Kane is their best player and they can keep being a crazy girlfriend and eventually he's gonna snap and demand a trade and maybe one of our teams will get him for next to nothing, sound good?

 

Worst Player: Wow, hey, Derek Meech is still in the NHL. Sorta.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? I just looked at the Jets roster, and I swear to god some of these guys were invented by the NHL13 name generator they use to make up player names for future drafts. Maxime Macenauer? Spencer Machacek? Paul Postma? Ben-Jarvus Green-Clitsome?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Jets owner Mark Chipman will announce that this will be the final season in Winnipeg, as he's sold the team to a group from Seattle. He will then announce that 2015 will be the inaugural season of the NEW New Jets, as he has purchased the Florida Panthers and plans to move them to Winnipeg.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Western Conference preview between now and Saturday, not sure when. When it's up, I'll be pushing it all over Twitter, so you won't miss it, promise!























POISON PEN: Round one preview, Eastern Conference

Does it suck that the Colorado Avalanche failed to make the NHL's annual postseason party? It sucks hard, real hard, sucks big giant rocks. But does that mean there isn't still hockey to be played? Of course it doesn't, and with that in mind, let's take a look at the 8 playoff matchups, where we test our powers of prognostication with an assist from Tonight Show legend Carnac the Magnificent. Today we start with the Eastern Conference, and tomorrow, we preview the Western Conference.

 (1E) New York Rangers

(8E) Ottawa Senators

 

The Matchup: The top seeded Rangers somewhat improbably emerged as the survivor of the Atlantic Division battle royal, earning home ice throughout the Eastern Conference playoffs. Aside from star goaltender Henrik Lundqvist and porcelain sniper Marian Gaborik, the Rangers are a mostly anonymous bunch led by media expert godd--n motherf---ing head f---ing coach John F---ing Tortorella. Meanwhile, the Senators somewhat improbably emerged from a division with arguably more talented teams like Montreal and Buffalo, to secure a playoff berth. The Sens attack is led by captain Daniel Alfredsson and giggling idiot Jason Spezza. The surprising Spezza-led Sens sparkled this season, suffering some setbacks and sliding from sixth to seventh and soon eighth. If GM Bryan Murray speaks that sentence out loud in your vicinity, wear a raincoat.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Rangers defenseman Dan Girardi, who will be leaned on to keep the dangerous Spezza and Milan Michalek from getting to Lundqvist and using their dual powers of "Creepy" and "Injury" as an attack.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Sens goalie Craig Anderson, who has been known to build small ice barriers in front of the goal line using nothing but his own tears.

Carnac Says: "A John Tortorella press conference...Hugh Jessiman...and a goon."

"Name a gust, a bust, and a Prust."

Prediction: Rangers in 6

 (4E) Pittsburgh Penguins

(5E) Philadelphia Flyers

The Matchup: Finding information on this series has been kind of difficult, as both of these teams have been largely ignored by fans and media.

Fine, we'll try. The Pens and Flyers spent this season shadowboxing with each other, without much real doubt that they would be the 4/5 matchup in the East. Pittsburgh was led by the Terminator-like Evgeni Malkin and underrated goalie Marc-Andre Fleury, while Kris Letang was the engineer of a sometimes-frightening attack that AVERAGED over four goals a game through March and April. The remodeled Flyers successfully integrated newcomers Wayne Simmonds, Jakub Voracek, and uberprospect Brayden Schenn into a lineup that already featured superstar Claude Giroux. The Flyers lost Chris Pronger to a concussion in November, and have scrambled at times to ice an NHL-caliber defense. Niklas Grossmann revealed to the world that they've been spelling his name wrong for years, and he STILL can't find one of those little license plates with his name on it for his bicycle.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Former Penguin, current Flyer, alltime troll Jaromir Jagr. Jagr was a pipebomb to start the season, but tailed off statistically in the second half of the season. I honestly have no idea what to expect from the now 40 year old Czech; he could score 5 goals in game one, he could wear a hoodie under his jersey in game two, or he could have that bizarre vertical mustache he grew in the 2008 playoffs by game 7. One way or the other, Jagr will be in the spotlight as he leads the charge against his former team, who he cockblocked over 9 months ago.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Sounds silly, but Sidney Crosby is about the least compelling character in this series, in the same sense that Superman wasn't compelling. You KNOW what's going to happen, right? Crosby will get his points, pout his lips, and drive all non-Pittsburgh fans into a rage every time his mug shows up on the TV screen. Not at all boring, but there's no real suspense either.

He IS going to obliterate the Flyers, though. Sorry guys.

Carnac Says: "Superstar treatment".

"What's the name of the triple penicillin shot at all the free clinics in Pittsburgh?"

Prediction: Penguins in 5

 (2E) Boston Bruins

(7E) Washington Capitals

 

The Matchup: Tim Thomas vs Washington DC? Sure, why not? The Caps and the Bruins are a classic-ish matchup, one that preseason geniuses would have expected to see in the conference final. Alas, while the streaky Bruins accrued enough points to gain home ice advantage, the Caps were uneven, to put it politely. To be fair, who would have guessed that a team that traded its best goalie in order to sign a veteran with three career playoff wins would struggle? When Tomas Vokoun was unable to shoulder a lion's share of the games due to injury, Michael Neuvirth and Braden Holtby filled in to varying degrees of success. Holtby looks to be the starter to begin the series. Meanwhile, Alexander Ovechkin probably would not have selected Zdeno Chara to be his prom date for the first round. Ovechkin struggled against the rangy Hal Gill in the 2010 playoffs as the Caps were unceremoniously dumped by Montreal. Zdeno Chara is, uh, slightly better (and bigger!) than Gill. Ruh roh.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Will Alex Semin stain his reputation heading into unrestricted free agency? Or will he rise to the occasion and go on a spurt? With Ovechkin and Chara likely trading musky European cologne scents with one another for the entirety of the series, Semin could be the difference between a spirited Caps upset bid, and a meek "Thanks for the invite" dismissal at the hands of the defending champs.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Bruins ogre Milan Lucic is interesting in the same way that Nelson Munz is interesting. A one-dimensional rockhead, he's a perfect fit in Boston, where one-dimensional rockheads have been revered since the days of John Wensink. Milan Lucic has done exactly one productive thing in his life, and that's piss off Canucks fans. Lucic will find at least one opportunity during this series to drag his knuckles down the ice and give that dumb dog look to a frightened Capital.

Carnac Says: "Catch-22".

"Name something any average fan wearing ice skates for the first time could do in a race with Mike Knuble."

Prediction: Bruins in 5

 

 (3E) Florida Panthers

(6E) New Jersey Devils

The Matchup: Wow. Devils and Panthers, you say? And it's the playoffs? Well, Florida has that one guy... uh, he scored some goals for them. And their goalie must have been pretty good, right? Or did they have more than one goalie? Wait, who's Florida's goalie? Bouwmeester doesn't play for them anymore, right? Hmm. Okay. Dave Lowry, he's gotta be retired by now. We'll come back to the Panthers. Hah, just kidding, we won't. Isn't it just precious that they made the playoffs though?

The Devils are still the Devils. Even though Jay Pandolfo and Sergei Brylin have moved on, every time I watch a Devils game, I hear "Zach Parise", "Ilya Kovalchuk", and then Jay Pandolfo and Sergei Brylin dubbed over every other name, and I hear it in Gary Thorne's voice, even though Gary Thorne is out sailing a boat somewhere or something. I suppose that's a compliment for the Devils, who are basically a package of hockey Saltines. Lou Lamoriello looks like what Stewie Griffin would look like in about 60 years if he was a real person.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Devils goalie Martin Brodeur, who is doing his damndest to give us the answer to the "So why dont they just get a really fat guy to play goalie?" question that every non-hockey fan asks. Marty The One-Man Party, very quietly, has been really stinky in the playoffs since the lockout ended. The only way Brodeur can top his spectacular implosion in the final two minutes of Game 7 against Carolina in 2009 would be to strip naked and run one off on his ex-wife's mother in the postgame interview after the Devils are again eliminated in the first round. This needs to happen.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Panthers defenseman Ed Jovanovski, the 2011-12 recipient of the "wait a second, he's still in the league???" trophy, annually voted on by newspaper writers. Wait a second, they still make newspapers???

Carnac Says: "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten".

"How many NBC affiliated networks begged not to be stuck showing this series?"

Prediction: Panthers in 7

COMING WEDNESDAY: Poison Pen previews the Western Conference

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Florida Panthers, 1/18/12

The Good Guys: Were absolute guano on Monday, getting raced in Phoenix by the Coyotes by a 6-1 margin. 2 goals apiece for Coyotes captain Shane Doan and double-last-names-guy Boyd Gordon were enough to send Avs starting goalie Semyon Varlamov fleeing from the dressing room without talking to oversensitive beat reporters after the game. Watching the game was only about 50% as uncomfortable as watching people complain about Varlamov not talking to the reporters.

Bunch Of Dicks: Colorado welcomes the Florida Panthers and old friend Tomas Fleischmann to Denver for the teams' only meeting of the season. The Panthers did what many Avs fans hoped their team would do in the offseason and threw a bunch of money at mid-tier free agents in an attempt to drag the team to respectability. Thus far, the weird science has worked, as the Panthers sit atop the Southeast Division, ahead of the mediocre Caps and three interchangeable teams that may or may not be ECHL refugees.

We Like: Not a goddam thing. Monday's game sucked, and I've been pouting ever since. That said: a win tonight puts the Avs back into the top 8. Treading water is just good enough right now, as the Avs slog through a rough January schedule without Matt Duchene, and none of the other Western Conference bubble teams have asserted themselves. Sooner or later, Colorado is going to have to string some wins together again, similar to their December, and a win tonight would be a good start.

We Don't Like: The gradual descent of Brandon Yip, which led to Yip's waiver today. Yip provided some touch and some jam playing alongside Matt Duchene in 2009-10, but last season and this season, the "curse of 18" struck. Yip battled injuries and inconsistency, along with rumors of a lack of commitment. Hopefully the kid can find himself in Lake Erie, if he goes unclaimed. If he DOES get claimed, hopefully it will be by a team in the East, because we all know what happens with former Avs in games against the current team.

Randomly:

Tonight's Hero: Peter Mueller is about a year-and-a-half overdue. Mueller nets two tonight.

Tonight's Goat: Does Greg Sherman pay the price for not trying harder to re-sign Tomas Fleischmann in the offseason?

Final Thought: The Avs are wearing their blue alternate jerseys tonight. Most of the fanbase seems to hate them. Their proximity to Quebec blue gives me eyegasms.

Panthers 4, Avs 2

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Southeast Division

Carolina Hurricanes
2010-11 Lazy Review: 2010 first round pick, 18 year old Jeff Skinner, was a revelation for the Canes. Not as excited about Skinner's performance: Skinner's girlfriend on prom night, according to gossip around the high school.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Canes will be led by captain Eric Staal, one of three Staal brothers currently playing in the NHL. The easiest way to tell Eric apart from brothers Jordan and Marc is his sandy hair, fair complexion, and rangy physique. Wait, that doesn't work.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Carolina will be the 5th most compelling team in their division, due to the sexy Caps, the re-born Jets, the star-laden Lightning, and Florida's new "Take Your Picture With A Live Panther" promotion.

2011-12 Prediction: Of all the seasons in the history of the Hartford/Carolina franchise, this season will easily be it's most recent.

Florida Panthers
2010-11 Lazy Review: Florida continued their post-expansion league record 10 year streak of sending players to the World Championships in early April.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: This offseason will be remembered as the year GM Dale Tallon finally dragged the Panthers into the post-lockout NHL, giving their fans an opportunity to complain about terrible long term, big money contracts that make absolutely no sense just like fans of the other 29 NHL teams.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Tallon went all-in on the Panthers' new marketing slogan of  "We See Red" with his acquisition of noted gingers Brian Campbell, Sean Bergenheim, Tomas Fleischmann, and Kris Versteeg.

2011-12 Prediction: The Panthers will struggle again with a patchwork lineup, leading to next year's offseason roster experiment: personnel decisions via Mad Libs on July 1st.

Tampa Bay Lightning
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Cinderella Lightning came within one game of a trip to the Stanley Cup Final, cementing their transition from a team whose movie mogul former owners nearly changed their name to the "Cinderella Lightning".

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Tampa should be able to build on last season's success, as long as Steve Yzerman is still tight with whichever Satanic force he sold his soul to that allowed him to inherit the roster he did.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The team's new uniforms closely resemble those worn by the Toronto Maple Leafs. In fact, at first glance, you may not be able to tell the two teams apart at all until you notice that Tampa players hold their sticks with the blade on the ice instead of upside-down, and are not comically skating into one another with Yakety Sax playing in the background.

2011-12 Prediction: The Lightning will make the playoffs, but fall short of last season's magical run to the conference final as coach Guy Boucher goes missing under mysterious circumstances after the release of the newest Batman movie.

Washington Capitals
2010-11 Lazy Review: Hockey fans became better acquainted with the Caps and jolly head coach Bruce Boudreau during HBO's acclaimed "24/7" series that chronicled exactly why the Caps will never win a Stanley Cup under the tutelage of jolly head coach Bruce Boudreau.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Washington signed goalie Tomas Vokoun at a drastically reduced rate. This will make it easier for the Caps to mindlessly rotate their 7 goalies-of-the-future through their starting lineup at various points during the season.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Caps will once again be a prohibitive favorite in the Eastern Conference going into the playoffs, until they run into a team with the commitment and skill to keep Alex Ovechkin from making that SAME STUPID CUT-TO-THE-MIDDLE-FROM-THE-WING-AND-SHOOT MOVE HE'S BEEN DOING SINCE HE WAS SIX YEARS OLD.

2011-12 Prediction: Owner Ted Leonsis will forcefully declare in a mid-May blog that his organization is on the cusp of accomplishing it's ultimate goal of reaching the third step of the 46-step process of winning a Stanley Cup.

Winnipeg Jets
2010-11 Lazy Review: The former Thrashers got off to a hot start in 2010, but quickly hit a tailspin that coincided with rumors circulating around Atlanta that there was an NHL team playing in Atlanta.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Jets are the only team I no longer have a gut reaction on for the upcoming season. I already reacted to the news of Dustin Byfuglien's 286 pound gut. My reaction: "You fatass."

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Would it have really been that hard to bring back the original Jets logo, guys? REALLY?

2011-12 Prediction: Winnipeg will cement its place as a desirable destination for NHL players due to the rabid fan base, the excitement of the returned team, and the fact that it's STILL not as bad as Edmonton.