AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Chicago Blackhawks, 10/22/11



Know The Enemy: Chicago Blackhawks (4-1-1, 9 pts); beat Colorado 3-1 on Thursday.

Key On This Guy: Jonathan Toews, popularly known as "Captain Serious", and half of the two-man comedy team of "Captain Serious and Admiral Tickles". He'd drive a knife through your face to win a hockey game.

Laugh At This Guy: Ladies man Daniel "Daddyfingers" Carcillo, a guy I'd worry about if I had a daughter. Actually, I'd only have to worry about it if my daughter was into guys that look like Gaddafi's autopsy photo.

Dont Sleep On This Guy: Andrew Brunette, who has been the most confounding combination of hero and villain in Avalanche history. He's scored huge goals both for and against the good guys, so don't bet against the slow-footed "Bruno" to tap dance on Avs fans hearts tonight.

Fact About The Blackhawks That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Former Blackhawks dimwit Jeremy Roenick, after famously being admonished by Avs goalie Patrick Roy during the 1996 playoffs, had to be convinced that jamming his high school class ring and his wife's engagement ring in his ears was not quite the same thing that Roy had referred to.

Celebrity Prediction: Peter Cetera, former lead singer of Chicago

"The final score for tonight's game will be either 25 or 6 to 4."

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Toronto Maple Leafs, 10/17/11

Know The Enemy: Toronto Maple Leafs (3-0-0, 6 pts); beat Calgary 3-2 on Saturday.

Key On This Guy: Former Avs defenseman John-Michael Liles, who looks to join an illustrious group of former Avs defensemen who magically transform into Bobby Orr the first time they line up with the opposition.

Laugh At This Guy: Leafs captain and former Flames star Dion Phaneuf, who can ask Sean Avery to tape his sticks for him any time he goes into a scoring drought.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Former Avs forward Phillipe Dupuis, who may as well be Mario Lemieux tonight based on the Liles Corollary noted above.

Fact About The Maple Leafs That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Leafs GM Brian Burke and coach Ron Wilson were teammates (and roommates) in the 1970s at Blowhard Arrogant Asshole That Nobody Likes University, a small college in Rhode Island.

Celebrity Guest: Bigoted, Cheap, Misogynistic Former Leafs Owner Harold Ballard

"Wait, Kessel is getting paid HOW much? <dies again>"

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Montreal Canadiens, 10/15/11

Know The Enemy: Montreal Canadiens (1-2-0, 2 pts); lost to Calgary(!) 4-1 on Thursday.

Key On This Guy: Defenseman PK Subban, one of the most electrifying young players in the entire NHL. You know he's good, because every fanbase in the Eastern Conference hates his guts.

Laugh At This Guy: Grammatically-challenged center Tomas Plekanec, who has been playing an elaborate prank on fans and media alike by making us believe his last name is pronounced "Plekanits". It's actually pronounced "Nets-cash".

Don't Sleep On This Guy: winger Max Pacioretty has come back from being stanchion'd by Bruins' Gargoyle Zdeno Chara late last season to start the season with the Canadiens. Pacioretty has been one of the team's most consistent threats that is taller than 5'2".

Fact About The Canadiens That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The motto painted in the Habs' dressing room is the French "Nos bras meurtris vous tendent le flambeau, à vous toujours de le porter bien haut.". The literal English translation of this motto is "Thank GOD the Nordiques moved right before they got good, and in a show of gratitude, they can have Patrick Roy for a bag of magic beans."

Celebrity Prediction: Yee Sook Ree

"Truly a sight to behold. A franchise beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallions we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion. Former Nords 3, Montreal 2."


AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Ottawa Senators, 10/13/11

Know The Enemy: Ottawa Senators (1-2-0, 2 pts); beat Minnesota 4-3 in a shootout on Tuesday.

Key On This Guy: Second-year defenseman Erik Karlsson is a slick, puck-moving defenseman in the mold of his teammate, 37 year old Sergei Gonchar, whose skates and stick coincidentally seem to be covered in mold.

Laugh At This Guy: Forget laughing AT Jason Spezza. Let's laugh WITH him.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Sens captain Daniel Alfredsson, unlike teammate Gonchar, still has some gas left in the tank. Look for "Alfie" to be a difference-maker come playoff time on Sidney Crosby's wing in Pittsburgh.

Fact About The Senators That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Ottawa will debut their alternate "throwback" jerseys tonight: a black uniform featuring a blend of red and cream colored striping with an "O" logo featured on it. The "O" stands for "O MY GOD GONCHAR HAS 2 YEARS AND $10 MILLION LEFT ON HIS CONTRACT???"

Celebrity Prediction: Ambiguously Gay Ottawa Spartan Pre-game Guy

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Columbus Blue Jackets, 10/12/11

Know The Enemy: THE Columbus Blue Jackets (0-3-0, 0 pts); lost to Vancouver 3-2 on Monday.

Key On This Guy: Jackets' captain Rick Nash, the closest thing the NHL has seen to a one-man team for the better part of a decade. Looks like a fratboy, which helps him blend in around town.

Laugh At This Guy: Bait-and-switch victim Jeff "Poo Nanny" Carter, who definitely would have signed the same 11-year contract for reduced money with the Blue Jackets as he did with the Flyers if he was high on drugs and self-loathing.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: The Jackets employee in charge of firing that fake cannon in the arena when the team scores a goal. This guy bangs and gets paid for it every night. Sort of like Jeff Carter, amirite?

Fact About The Blue Jackets That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The young franchise wanted a nickname that reflected the impact the state of Ohio made during the Civil War. The two final candidates were "Blue Jackets" (Ohio produced the navy uniforms worn by Union soldiers), and "Girls That Gave Stonewall Jackson Chlamydia".

Celebrity Prediction: Christopher Columbus

"The word 'Colorado' is a Spanish term that means 'ruddy' or 'red'. You know, 'red', like the skin of the natives in this new land. BURN AND PILLAGE THEM, BOYS. 3-1 JACKETS."

POISON PEN ROADIE REVIEW: Boston, 10/10/11

Being an east coaster, I always like to take a road trip or two (or three) every season to see the Avalanche since I don't get the chance to see them regularly out west. I usually get to attend one (or both) of the Columbus games, I'll make it up to Detroit once every couple seasons as well (you can tell which years I went, because their attendance is 28% higher).  The Avs usually have an early east coast road swing every season, and this year is no different. I decided to make the 10+ hour trek to see the Good Guys take on the defending champs in Chowdtown, and as usual, I AM NOT DISAPPOINT. After paying $40 to paaahhhk my caaahhh, I deserved a little satisfaction, right?

One of the most prominent features outside the TD Better Homes And Garden is this bronze statue of the iconic Bobby Orr goal that sent the Bruins to the 1969-70 Stanley Cup championship.  This playful statue is shown here attacking the gentleman in the black shirt and his son. Terrifying scene.

Pictured here is the Bruins 2010-11 Stanley Cup banner. The original version of the banner was much larger and hung nearly to the ice, as it listed the name of every player, every coach, every trainer, the stick boys, season ticket holder names, and all the names on the 2010-11 Canucks roster followed by the words "YOU SUCK" in 188 point font.



The game itself was encouraging. The Bruins were clearly a beat or two off, but it's still the defending champs, and it was in their barn. Semyon Varlamov was the obvious story, as he made three or four spectacular stops when the B's had their best chances, but other players stood out as well. 2008 Octopus Hurling Champion champion Cody McLeod wore the third "A" (Stastny and Hejduk wore the other two as usual) and played a very feisty game, being credited with nine hits and generally being a painful nuisance to the Bruins. Matt Duchene was a threat every time he had the puck on his stick, using quickness to force Boston Gargoyle Zdeno Chara into taking an early penalty, and deftly pretzelling Dennis Seidenberg in front of the B's cage to get a prime scoring chance. Stastny played an intelligent game, and newcomer Jan Hejda played the type of game the Avs had lacked on the blueline last season.  This isn't to say there arent areas that are going to require improvement (Shane O'Brien's defensive play is going to cause me to go into therapy), but my first personal experience with the 2011-12 Avs left me encouraged.

Drink to victory... hopefully the first of many this season!

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Boston Bruins, 10/10/11

Know The Enemy: Boston Bruins (1-1-0, 2 pts); defeated Tampa Bay on Saturday night 4-1.

Key On This Guy: Pivot Patrice Bergeron, the B's top two way performer and a concussion survivor.

Laugh At This Guy: Gregory Campbell, Bruins forward and son of former NHL disciplinarian Colin Campbell. Just make sure nobody at the league office hears you laughing at him, unless you want to be on the receiving end of a persnickety, vaguely threatening email.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: super sophomore Tyler Seguin, who had a quiet rookie season before he exploded on the scene during the Eastern Conference Final against Tampa, and simultaneously exploded heads all throughout the Toronto Maple Leaf fan base.

Fact About The Bruins That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Cam Neely based his Dumb And Dumber character "Sea Bass" on former Bruins player and coach Mike Milbury, who presented a tough exterior but secretly enjoyed late night encounters in men's room stalls with other NHL GMs.

Celebrity Prediction: Chuckie Sullivan

"If you think ow-ah fackin Hawkey Sawx ah gonna lose to fackin Calarada, you gaht a fackin screw loose. We ah the fackin Stanley fackin Cup champs. Ray Boah-que who??? HAWKEY SAWX 5, AVS 2."