Poison Pen Preview: Western Conference

If you missed it, I previewed the Eastern Conference on Monday. You're already here, so go read it.

Now, for our friends in the Western Conference. Gosh, you're such a swell bunch of rivals, and I have SO much respect for each and every one of you. Let's take a look at key players at each end of the spectrum, what the teams are doing for their fans to welcome them back, and prognosticate where each team will find itself at the end of this truncated, bastard cash grab of a season.

 

 

Central Division

 

Chicago Blackhawks

 

Best Player: "Captain Serious", Jonathan Toews. Toews is, by all accounts, the most respected young player in the NHL with a really shitty nickname, edging out "Sid the Kid" and "The Great 8".

 

Worst Player: How does Sheldon Brookbank keep falling into NHL contracts? Also, if you're Chris Campoli and you see that your former team would rather have Brookbank on their roster than you...it's time to start thinking about a new line of work, right? Like, he sees this, yeah?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Chicago is going into it's THIRD season with a core good enough to compete for a Stanley Cup...and Corey Crawford standing between the pipes. If Stan Bowman is ever in charge of your night out, DON'T GO, because Billy Joel will end up your designated driver.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Hawks fired their best bullet in the chamber a few years ago when they really reached out to their fans and rewarded them for their loyalty by...deciding to show the team's home games on television. This year, don't put it past the Hawks to give their fans permission to record those televised games on their VCRs.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Columbus Blue Jackets

 

Best Player: It's probably not a good sign that I had to visit the team's roster on their website to figure out an answer to this question. It's probably an even worse sign that I wondered if I could just skip this category for the Jackets. After careful consideration (I drew a name out of a hat) I decided on Fedor Tyutin, because that's the name I drew out of the hat.

 

Worst Player: I so desperately wanted this to be one of the players they got from the Rangers for Rick Nash, but alas, I couldn't in good conscience NOT say Derek MacKenzie.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? "Hey, remember that guy who was good for us like 4 years ago and ever since then has been an inconsistent headcase that hasn't been able to even approach his former level of play? Let's give him another chance!" Welcome back, Steve Mason!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: A few years ago, the Jackets installed a Civil War cannon that's fired after every goal. This year, lucky fans will be selected at random to fire the cannon after each Columbus goal, which means by the end of the season, at least six fans will have gone home happy.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Hockeytown (Detroit Red Wings)

 

Best Player: Even a hater like me can't deny that Pavel Datsyuk is pretty great. Datsyuk occupies rarified air in my esteem, standing beside only the now-retired Nick Lidstrom and Sergei Federov as the only Red Wings players I had grudging respect for. Oops, sorry, I forgot to bolden, italicize, underline, and jack up the font on that one really relevant pertinent and important part:

 

THE NOW-RETIRED NICK LIDSTROM

 

okay, that's out of my system.

 

Worst Player: I feel like I may be a little unduly pessimistic about Mikael Samuelsson. Hell, maybe this, his 14th stint in Detroit, may be the time he finally figures out how to hit the net.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Is it possible that the dropoff between Nick Lidstrom and Ian White is really all that much? I mean, people slightly downgrade from a Maybach to a station wagon with woodgrain paneling and it works out fine ALL THE TIME WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Fans in attendance and watching at home on opening night will be treated to a spectacular laser show designed to hypnotize them into thinking Damien Brunner is Brendan Shanahan, they're in the year 1998, and the whole octopus thing isn't dated and stupid.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Nashville Predators

 

Best Player: This is an easy one: Shea Weber, the cute girl that all the rich jocks (Philly, Detroit, the Rangers) want to date, but ends up going to the prom with the bucktoothed hayseed. That's you Nashville. Oh, and you're paying her $110 million to go with you, you perverts.

 

Worst Player: Know who else has a job? Brian McGrattan. Hey, he's got a family to feed too, I guess. His family is definitely ashamed of him.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Hey, remember when David Poile gave up a first round draft pick for Paul Gaustad? Well, they kept Paul Gaustad, whose biggest contribution to any team in his career was the time he stood and watched Milan Lucic truck Ryan Miller as though he had a camera in his hand and a press pass around his neck. We brought Paul Gaustad here to win faceoffs, ladies and gents, and maybe he'll do it.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Four words: "Faith Hill Panties Giveaway".

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

St Louis Blues

 











Best Player: Defenseman Alex Pietrangelo, the best player in the league whose surname has a pastry in it. He is really, really good. If he really was a pie, he'd be Huckleberry.

 

Worst Player: Hey, Jeff Woywitka's not in the AHL, which is probably why the Mayan apocalypse couldn't happen the way it was supposed to.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? This one isn't so much a "who" as it is a "what". That "what" is, they're counting on Ken Hitchcock not getting strangled to death by one of the players. You see, because Ken Hitchcock is a pain in the ass, and nobody likes him, and why does he look like that? So lumpy.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Blues have gone the charitable route, reaching out to fans and communities of all 30 NHL franchises by donating enough food to fill the food banks in their areas, and they did it simply by raiding Keith Tkachuk's refrigerator.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Pacific Division

 

Anaheim Ducks

 

Best Player: Sorry, Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. Come see me when youre 40, when you've scored over 600 goals, when you shoot your glove out of the air with your stick to celebrate those goals, and when you're from Finland. It's Teemu Selanne.

 

Worst Player: Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, captain of the Starship Suck.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jolly Bruce Boudreau injected life into the struggling Ducks when he was brought in to replace Randy Carlyle last season, but once giggling players discovered "Bruce Boudreau" was the name Elmer Fudd was using to conceal his identity, the team fell off the pace.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: During their January 26th home game against Nashville, Anaheim will ice an entire team of actual ducks to play against the Predators. Paul Gaustad will stand and watch the biggest one peck at Pekka Rinne.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Dallas Stars

 

Best Player: Sniper Loui Eriksson is a threat to score every time he's on the ice. Eriksson has a knack of finding spots where no one sees him. In that sense, he's a perfect fit in Dallas.

 

Worst Player: Defenseman Jordie Benn, who also drinks the milk out of brother Jamie's cereal bowl when he's done eating it, dates women that his brother has dumped, and still wears his brother's hand-me-up skates.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Guys named Tomas Vincour and Colton Sceviour, that's who. I've never seen either one of them, but if they don't wear matching ascots when they go to dinner, then they're not the men they could be.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Some teams will choose a night or two to honor legends of the sport. The Stars will be hosting legends night every night of the season after signing What's Left Of Ray Whitney and What's Left Of Jaromir Jagr.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

Los Angeles Kings

 

Best Player: Conn Smythe trophy winner Jonathan Quick will lead the defending Stanley Cup champs into their lockout-shortened title defense. Goalie Quick, captain Dustin Brown, and former King and current broadcaster Jim Fox will be jumping over the lazy dogs of the Western Conference on a nightly basis once the season is underway.

 

Worst Player: The defending champs don't really have a "worst player", per se, but I'd want to punch a guy named Kyle Clifford right in the dick on principle alone. You can't be named "Kyle Clifford" and still be a good person.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The West Hollywood Two, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, likely spent the better part of the last 6 months drinking Jose Cuervo and crushing the dreams and vaginas of waitresses just looking for a break into the business. What shape will they be in once games start? Will Coach Sutter notice their Gatorade bottles smell like Mad Dog 20/20? Does gonorrhea affect the accuracy of your shot? Many unanswered questions.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Kings fans and Ducks fans have been invited to take a group road trip to San Jose to pretend they're looking for those three Stanley Cups Sharks fans figured they would've had by now before laughing and laughing and laughing

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

Gary's Orphans

 

Best Player: I know you want me to say Shane Doan. Don't lie. You want me to say Shane Doan because you don't know who any of the other players on the Coyotes are, so you want me to say Shane Doan so you can nod sagely and rub your chin. But I'm not playing along, it's NOT Shane Doan. Shane Doan sucks. Phoenix doesn't have a best player.

 

Worst Player: It's @BizNasty2point0 HEY BIZ U SUCK MAN UR NOT EVEN NE GOOD U CANT BE TALKIN SHIT ON TWITTER HOW BOUT A RT

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jerry Moyes  The NHL  Jim Balsillie  Jerry Reinsdorf  The NHL  Matthew Hulsizer  The NHL  Greg Jamison (?)

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey guys, uh, you know there's a hockey team that plays in town, right? Yeah, only it's about 45 minutes outside of town, but that's still pretty close compared to having to drive to Anaheim or LA or the Yucatan Peninsula or" *realizes they're talking to saguaro cactuses*

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

San Jose Sharks

 

Best Player: Patrick Marleau. Haha, just kidding, said that just to piss Jeremy Roenick off. It's Logan Couture.

 

Worst Player: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of you has ever heard of Bracken Kearns. "Bracken Kearns" sounds like a Scottish euphemism for jerking off.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Joe Thornton, hahahahahahahaha. You can also count on daddy to come home when he says he's just going out for a pack of cigarettes.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Sharks management has decided to reward longtime season ticket holders by informing them they can do a "LETS GO SHARKS" chant in three quick beats rather than the droning "LETS GO SHAAAAAAARKS" that makes them sound like they're on quaaludes.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Northwest Division

 

Calgary Flames

 

Best Player: Easily, Jarome Iginla. In fact, Iginla will remain the Flames' best player long after he's been traded for pennies on the dollar to a team that isn't run by Jay Feaster.

 

Worst Player: I'm going over this roster and I feel like Ben Roethlisberger at a sorority mixer. I want ALL of them. Why can't I pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler? Oh hey what the hell I WILL pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Uh, Dennis Wideman? I guess? I mean, they gave him $25 million, so I guess it's Dennis Wideman. I really hope Flames fans can talk themselves into Dennis Wideman, for their sake. Heh.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Remind them that the last time there was a lockout, the Flames had just come off an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, and they can do it again! And then hope none of them figure it out.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Edmonton Oilers

 

Best Player: For all the good young players we keep hearing about on this club, are any of them regarded as "the best" of them? I really like Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, but it could be any of the RNH/Hall/Eberle trio. Edmonton is the only team in this division I can't work up a bunch of hate for. Yet.

 

Worst Player: I am so, SO sad that I can't write Zack Stortini in this space, but then I realized Andy Sutton still plays here so, nice! Also, if you're on a team with Ben Eager and he's not the worst player on the team, your team may be in trouble.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Oilers have three choices: 40 year old Nikolai Khabibulin (40!), Devan Dubnyk , or another karmically friendly lottery ball. We all know how this is ending, don't we?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Threatening to move the team to Seattle! REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

MinneSuter Parises

 

Best Player: Clearly a two-horse race between Zach Parise (who spent his summer curing the common cold) and Suter Trophy favorite Ryan Suter, the man who they re-named the Norris Trophy for. Co-best players!

 

Worst Player: Haha, THE REST OF THEIR ROSTER. Look at it! Gaze upon it. Actually, Mikko Koivu is pretty good, but the rest of them are very Nate Prosser-esque. This roster is the Nate Prosser of rosters.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Oh, Dany Heatley is your scoring depth? Or Pierre-Marc Bouchard? Mikael Granlund is nothing more than a Youtube highlight right now.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Wild went out and spent close to $200 million on two players to get their boring fans all excited, and promptly locked them out for being overpaid. Wait, that was their gimmick to drive their fans away, sorry, got that one mixed up. Um, FREE BLOND HAIRED, BLUE EYED PUPPIES FOR EVERYONE!

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Vancouver Canucks

 

Best Players: Jesus Christ, I can't wait until the Ginger Twins are gone so I don't have to keep playing the "haha theyre the SAME" game. Ask a Canucks fan who the best player on the team is and they'll say it's Cory Schneider, because they're still suffering smoke inhalation from their legendary Stanley Cup Loss Celebration With Fire Parade in 2011.

 

Worst Player: "VAN - Signed D Cam Barker..." was as far as I made it before I got the giggles. Barker is keeping this space warm for future multi-time "worst player" winner Zack Kassian.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Nobody special, just that one goalie they had a couple years ago that got them to the Stanley Cup Final and have been trying to give him away ever since. What was his name? Ah well, it doesnt matter anyway, once they dump him they have something named Joe Cannata backing up Cory Schneider, so stay healthy Cory!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Tyler Bozak Jersey Tshirt Night" to take place on January 23rd, celebrating the newest member of the Canucks organization.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

AND FINALLY...

 

Colorado Avalanche

 

Best Player: Are we talking "best player that's currently signed to the club" or "best player that's being squeezed by an increasingly cheap ownership group being fronted by a bean-counter GM"? Because there are two different answers based upon that. The best player currently on the roster is Matt Duchene. Yes, I like Landeskog. Yes, I love Landeskog. Yes, he's only played one season. One more like last year, his name is in this spot next season.

 

Worst Player: @AnthraxJones You misspelled "sucks" "RT @MChambersDP: Chuck Kobasew sick, won't travel. Looks like Bordeleau will make NHL debut vs Minnesota”





 

Wait, they're counting on who? Yeah, who's gonna be taking Ryan O'Reilly's place while he's getting paid as he deserves over in the KHL while Stan Kroenke's wallet is tucked inside his prostate over here? John Mitchell? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey Avs fans, thanks for being patient with us while we rebuild with young talent! By the way, don't expect us to PAY the young talent when their contracts are up! Oh, and fuck you!"

 

Prediction: 2nd place. O'Reilly signed by this time next week. And I'm still a bitch.

 

Go Avs go.







 

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Columbus Blue Jackets, 4/5/12

The Good Guys: Colorado goes into game #81 with a razor thin shot to make the postseason, needing two regulation wins, two regulation Sharks losses to the suddenly-popular Kings, and needing Dallas to not accrue more than two points in their last two games. Other than that, it should be pretty simple.

Bunch Of Dicks: The Blue Jackets are terrible. Any further analysis of this would require more thought than Columbus GM Scott Howson put into constructing this dumpster-fire of a team. The yearlong smear campaign against Rick Nash as a player from clueless fans and media who don't understand that one elite player is useless if he's surrounded by AHL players virtually guarantees an undervalued Nash will be traded for pennies on the dollar in the offseason, because hey, Rick Nash is incapable of carrying a team all on his own.

We Like: Alcohol, because we're gonna need it tonight and Saturday if we don't want our nerves to literally jump out of our bodies and start dancing on the rec room floor. Not to be overdramatic or anything.

We Don't Like: March 1, 2012 may have been the night Avs fans look back on and grit their teeth if the team misses the playoffs. That was the night the Blue Jackets last visited Denver, and walked out with a 2-0 win in the Avs' most listless, uncaring performance of the season. There have been plenty of blown points at various times during the season, but that game was inexcusable.

Randomly: I never really put two and two together, but the Penguins have both Pascal Dupuis and Richard Park on their roster, meaning they'd be a nightmare in a playoff series against the 2003 Avalanche. Shudder.

Potential Hero: This is, by all rights, a playoff game. Gabriel Landeskog seems like the type of player that can (and will) elevate his play the higher the stakes. We'll see that tonight.

Potential Goat: Nothing but heroes tonight. No goats.

Final Thought: Hey Avs fans: if I would have told you in September that the team would have a shot at the playoffs in April, you'd have taken that deal in a heartbeat, right? Let's push this thing to Saturday.

And... Go Kings?

Avs 4, Blue Jackets 1

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Columbus Blue Jackets, 2/24/12

The Good Guys: Smacked the Kings around nice and hard on Wednesday, racing out to a 4-0 lead on their way to a 4-1 win. Paul Stastny led the way with two goals, and Semyon Varlamov shut the door on the anemic Kings, who barely even bothered to show up.

Bunch Of Dicks: Oh, Columbus. Where to begin? I'll begin by saying that I like the Blue Jackets. I visit Nationwide Arena usually once or twice a season to see a game, and every time I've been there I've had a good time in and around the arena. The fans are passionate, friendly, and knowledgeable, and they desperately want their team to give them something to be proud of. Eventually, they'll get there, but right now, the organization stinks like a pig in poo. It starts at the very top, with clueless executives lording above overmatched GM Scott Howson, who really hasn't done himself any favors. The Jeff Carter Experiment was a brutal failure, as the disappointed player never seemed to have his heart invested in his new team after being stabbed in the back by the Flyers. Howson bears a great deal of the blame for not contacting Carter's representatives to gauge his interest in playing in Columbus before dishing out substantial assets to bring Carter to Ohio. Nevermind the fact that the entire premise of the deal was flawed: a playmaking center for star wing Rick Nash is what the Jackets sought. Jeff Carter is a playmaker in the same sense that I am; that is, not at all. Carter spent an unhappy and injury-plagued 8 months as a member of the organization before being mercifully dealt to the aforementioned Kings late yesterday for Jack Johnson (who won't be in the lineup tonight) and a conditional first round draft pick (also not in tonight's lineup).

We Like: Perusing the Western Conference standings, most of the teams in the dogfight for the last available playoff spots have caught up to the Avs in games played, meaning Colorado's two point deficit to ne'er-do-wells Los Angeles, Dallas, and Calgary is more of a true deficit, and not disadvantaged by games at hand.

We Don't Like: Why can't Calgary just go die already? You know you're awful when your GM, tubby idiot Jay Feaster, goes on a public verbal rampage threatening to blow your team up when you're still within striking distance of a playoff spot. Make no mistake about it: the Flames are a terrible team. Have the decency to go on an 8 or 9 game losing streak, you clowns.

Randomly: Not sure when Dustin Brown became the second coming of Mark Messier, but the breathless news that Brown is available on the trading block was about as underwhelming as trade speculation gets. Yes, he's the captain of the Kings, but scratch the glossy surface and he's a poor man's Shane Doan. I respect the hell out of Shane Doan, don't get me wrong, but he's nothing more than an elite grinder. Adjust Brown downward accordingly.

Potential Hero: A safe bet is Gabriel Landeskog, who has been nothing short of outstanding lately. A less safe bet, but a sleeper: Stefan Elliott, if he's given the green light to use his speed to rush the puck against a very talent-poor Columbus group.

Potential Goat: Can Semyon Varlamov put together two consecutive solid performances? If this kid can get himself on a roll, the Avalanche can become a frisky team down the stretch, one I'm not sure I'd want to see in the first round of the playoffs.

Final Thought: Does Matt Duchene look 100% to you? Because he doesn't look 100% to me. The Avs need Duchene to get back up to that level sooner rather than later, but even with a sketchy Dutchy, tonight's game is very winnable. Right?

Blue Jackets 3, Avs 2

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Columbus Blue Jackets, 10/12/11

Know The Enemy: THE Columbus Blue Jackets (0-3-0, 0 pts); lost to Vancouver 3-2 on Monday.

Key On This Guy: Jackets' captain Rick Nash, the closest thing the NHL has seen to a one-man team for the better part of a decade. Looks like a fratboy, which helps him blend in around town.

Laugh At This Guy: Bait-and-switch victim Jeff "Poo Nanny" Carter, who definitely would have signed the same 11-year contract for reduced money with the Blue Jackets as he did with the Flyers if he was high on drugs and self-loathing.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: The Jackets employee in charge of firing that fake cannon in the arena when the team scores a goal. This guy bangs and gets paid for it every night. Sort of like Jeff Carter, amirite?

Fact About The Blue Jackets That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The young franchise wanted a nickname that reflected the impact the state of Ohio made during the Civil War. The two final candidates were "Blue Jackets" (Ohio produced the navy uniforms worn by Union soldiers), and "Girls That Gave Stonewall Jackson Chlamydia".

Celebrity Prediction: Christopher Columbus

"The word 'Colorado' is a Spanish term that means 'ruddy' or 'red'. You know, 'red', like the skin of the natives in this new land. BURN AND PILLAGE THEM, BOYS. 3-1 JACKETS."

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Central Division

Chicago Blackhawks
2010-11 Lazy Review: The 2009-10 defending champions succumbed to the dreaded Stanley Cup hangover. Actually, the 6 or 7 players that remained from that championship roster suffered from it, but you get my point.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Hawks reloaded some after a year in salary cap hell, adding quality depth up front in Andrew Brunette, regular depth up front in Jamal Mayers, and Fingerbangin' Daddy's Little Girl depth up front in Daniel Carcillo.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: A weakened Chicago squad pushed perennial playoff bitch Vancouver to a sphincter-tightening Round 1, 7th game overtime period before succumbing. The Hawks combine a superior mix of good coaching, veteran talent, and championship experience with the firm knowledge that they can make the defending conference champions shart in their breezers at will.

2011-12 Prediction: Patrick Kane realizes the ironic mullet/stripes combo is sooooooo 2010, and brings back the rat-tail for the playoffs.

Columbus Blue Jackets
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Jackets introduced a spiffy new alternate jersey, going with an innovative blend of navy blue and powder blue, along with a circular logo featuring a cannon. This marked the first time the NHL had seen a  navy/powder blue jersey with a circular logo introduced in nearly three days.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Jeff Carter era in Columbus got off to a tremendous start, as the newly acquired star spent approximately two weeks convincing himself that no, this isn't part of some elaborate practical joke designed to make him cry his own tears.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Columbus hopes the addition of Jeff Carter, in tandem with franchise winger Rick Nash, will give the team the coolest sounding crime-fighting duo name in the NHL. My guess: Carter is the badass, Nash is the sensitive one.

2011-12 Prediction: RJ Umberger will try to escape the five year contract extension he signed with the team this offseason, using the "I went to Ohio State, I never even learned to count to five" defense.

Detroit Red Wings Presented By Amway
2010-11 Lazy Review: "Hockeytown"s finest once again demonstrated their commitment to sharing and fair play by graciously allowing themselves to be gutted by San Jose in the second round for the 2nd season in a row.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The AmWings spent a tumultuous offseason saying goodbye to surefire Hall Of Famers Kris "Look At My Face" Draper and Chris Osgood, and replacing them with surefire Hall Of Famers Fabian Brunnstrom and Ty Conklin.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Hall Of Fame GM Ken Holland and Hall Of Fame coach Mike Babcock will again lean heavily on aging robot Nick Lidstrom and Hall Of Fame late-round draft picks Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk to carry a team loaded with Hall Of Fame underachievers like soft-hearted Jiri Hudler, future KHL allstar Valtteri Filppula, and horsefaced china doll Johan Franzen.

2011-12 Prediction: I will get at least 5 angry, semi-literate emails from Detroit fans who took their fingers out of their mouths long enough to bang out angry missives explaining why their team's sellout to Amway will help them build a new arena somewhere in Rochester Hills.

Nashville Predators
2010-11 Lazy Review: After spending the past five seasons as the NHL's darling "Little Engine That Could Not Escape The First Round Of The Playoffs", the Predators finally broke through the glass ceiling and won a round. The organization decided to celebrate by blinding the rest of the league with lemon-colored jerseys.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Did you know that Shea Weber is going to be an unrestricted free agent at the end of this season? Did you know that? Because there are 29 other NHL GMs with napkins tied around their necks who know that.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Preds GM David Poile has figured out the formula to remain competitive without having to overspend: draft nothing but defensemen, scour European leagues for mutant goaltenders with names that sound like sauna farts, and employ a head coach that looks like an adorable (if not gruff) nesting doll.

2011-12 Prediction: Nashville will shake up their struggling team with a mid-season trade, dealing defenseman Ryan Suter to the New York Islanders for a package of players who hate country music and just don't know it yet.

St. Louis Blues
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Blues reminded the rest of the NHL that they still exist with a blockbuster trade, sending former first overall draft pick Erik Johnson to Colorado for a package including Chris Goddam Stewart and shifty puck-moving blueliner Kevin Shattenkirk.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: St Louis projects to be a frisky opponent on any given evening, provided their talented-but-scatterbrained young players like TJ Oshie are focused on playing the game, rather than shiny objects hanging from the rafters.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Note has the potential to be a playoff party crasher this season. The team has been patient with young studs like defenseman Alex Pietrangelo and forward Oshie, and could see that patience rewarded once the organization hires a head coach to replace the pretty rock they've secretly placed behind the bench hoping nobody would notice.

2011-12 Prediction: The Blues and Avalanche will again find themselves talking major trade, this time with St. Louis sending their iconic arch to Denver for an 8.6 mile stretch of the Rocky Mountains.