Poison Pen Preview: Western Conference

If you missed it, I previewed the Eastern Conference on Monday. You're already here, so go read it.

Now, for our friends in the Western Conference. Gosh, you're such a swell bunch of rivals, and I have SO much respect for each and every one of you. Let's take a look at key players at each end of the spectrum, what the teams are doing for their fans to welcome them back, and prognosticate where each team will find itself at the end of this truncated, bastard cash grab of a season.

 

 

Central Division

 

Chicago Blackhawks

 

Best Player: "Captain Serious", Jonathan Toews. Toews is, by all accounts, the most respected young player in the NHL with a really shitty nickname, edging out "Sid the Kid" and "The Great 8".

 

Worst Player: How does Sheldon Brookbank keep falling into NHL contracts? Also, if you're Chris Campoli and you see that your former team would rather have Brookbank on their roster than you...it's time to start thinking about a new line of work, right? Like, he sees this, yeah?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Chicago is going into it's THIRD season with a core good enough to compete for a Stanley Cup...and Corey Crawford standing between the pipes. If Stan Bowman is ever in charge of your night out, DON'T GO, because Billy Joel will end up your designated driver.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Hawks fired their best bullet in the chamber a few years ago when they really reached out to their fans and rewarded them for their loyalty by...deciding to show the team's home games on television. This year, don't put it past the Hawks to give their fans permission to record those televised games on their VCRs.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Columbus Blue Jackets

 

Best Player: It's probably not a good sign that I had to visit the team's roster on their website to figure out an answer to this question. It's probably an even worse sign that I wondered if I could just skip this category for the Jackets. After careful consideration (I drew a name out of a hat) I decided on Fedor Tyutin, because that's the name I drew out of the hat.

 

Worst Player: I so desperately wanted this to be one of the players they got from the Rangers for Rick Nash, but alas, I couldn't in good conscience NOT say Derek MacKenzie.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? "Hey, remember that guy who was good for us like 4 years ago and ever since then has been an inconsistent headcase that hasn't been able to even approach his former level of play? Let's give him another chance!" Welcome back, Steve Mason!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: A few years ago, the Jackets installed a Civil War cannon that's fired after every goal. This year, lucky fans will be selected at random to fire the cannon after each Columbus goal, which means by the end of the season, at least six fans will have gone home happy.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Hockeytown (Detroit Red Wings)

 

Best Player: Even a hater like me can't deny that Pavel Datsyuk is pretty great. Datsyuk occupies rarified air in my esteem, standing beside only the now-retired Nick Lidstrom and Sergei Federov as the only Red Wings players I had grudging respect for. Oops, sorry, I forgot to bolden, italicize, underline, and jack up the font on that one really relevant pertinent and important part:

 

THE NOW-RETIRED NICK LIDSTROM

 

okay, that's out of my system.

 

Worst Player: I feel like I may be a little unduly pessimistic about Mikael Samuelsson. Hell, maybe this, his 14th stint in Detroit, may be the time he finally figures out how to hit the net.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Is it possible that the dropoff between Nick Lidstrom and Ian White is really all that much? I mean, people slightly downgrade from a Maybach to a station wagon with woodgrain paneling and it works out fine ALL THE TIME WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Fans in attendance and watching at home on opening night will be treated to a spectacular laser show designed to hypnotize them into thinking Damien Brunner is Brendan Shanahan, they're in the year 1998, and the whole octopus thing isn't dated and stupid.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Nashville Predators

 

Best Player: This is an easy one: Shea Weber, the cute girl that all the rich jocks (Philly, Detroit, the Rangers) want to date, but ends up going to the prom with the bucktoothed hayseed. That's you Nashville. Oh, and you're paying her $110 million to go with you, you perverts.

 

Worst Player: Know who else has a job? Brian McGrattan. Hey, he's got a family to feed too, I guess. His family is definitely ashamed of him.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Hey, remember when David Poile gave up a first round draft pick for Paul Gaustad? Well, they kept Paul Gaustad, whose biggest contribution to any team in his career was the time he stood and watched Milan Lucic truck Ryan Miller as though he had a camera in his hand and a press pass around his neck. We brought Paul Gaustad here to win faceoffs, ladies and gents, and maybe he'll do it.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Four words: "Faith Hill Panties Giveaway".

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

St Louis Blues

 











Best Player: Defenseman Alex Pietrangelo, the best player in the league whose surname has a pastry in it. He is really, really good. If he really was a pie, he'd be Huckleberry.

 

Worst Player: Hey, Jeff Woywitka's not in the AHL, which is probably why the Mayan apocalypse couldn't happen the way it was supposed to.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? This one isn't so much a "who" as it is a "what". That "what" is, they're counting on Ken Hitchcock not getting strangled to death by one of the players. You see, because Ken Hitchcock is a pain in the ass, and nobody likes him, and why does he look like that? So lumpy.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Blues have gone the charitable route, reaching out to fans and communities of all 30 NHL franchises by donating enough food to fill the food banks in their areas, and they did it simply by raiding Keith Tkachuk's refrigerator.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Pacific Division

 

Anaheim Ducks

 

Best Player: Sorry, Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. Come see me when youre 40, when you've scored over 600 goals, when you shoot your glove out of the air with your stick to celebrate those goals, and when you're from Finland. It's Teemu Selanne.

 

Worst Player: Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, captain of the Starship Suck.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jolly Bruce Boudreau injected life into the struggling Ducks when he was brought in to replace Randy Carlyle last season, but once giggling players discovered "Bruce Boudreau" was the name Elmer Fudd was using to conceal his identity, the team fell off the pace.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: During their January 26th home game against Nashville, Anaheim will ice an entire team of actual ducks to play against the Predators. Paul Gaustad will stand and watch the biggest one peck at Pekka Rinne.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Dallas Stars

 

Best Player: Sniper Loui Eriksson is a threat to score every time he's on the ice. Eriksson has a knack of finding spots where no one sees him. In that sense, he's a perfect fit in Dallas.

 

Worst Player: Defenseman Jordie Benn, who also drinks the milk out of brother Jamie's cereal bowl when he's done eating it, dates women that his brother has dumped, and still wears his brother's hand-me-up skates.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Guys named Tomas Vincour and Colton Sceviour, that's who. I've never seen either one of them, but if they don't wear matching ascots when they go to dinner, then they're not the men they could be.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Some teams will choose a night or two to honor legends of the sport. The Stars will be hosting legends night every night of the season after signing What's Left Of Ray Whitney and What's Left Of Jaromir Jagr.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

Los Angeles Kings

 

Best Player: Conn Smythe trophy winner Jonathan Quick will lead the defending Stanley Cup champs into their lockout-shortened title defense. Goalie Quick, captain Dustin Brown, and former King and current broadcaster Jim Fox will be jumping over the lazy dogs of the Western Conference on a nightly basis once the season is underway.

 

Worst Player: The defending champs don't really have a "worst player", per se, but I'd want to punch a guy named Kyle Clifford right in the dick on principle alone. You can't be named "Kyle Clifford" and still be a good person.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The West Hollywood Two, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, likely spent the better part of the last 6 months drinking Jose Cuervo and crushing the dreams and vaginas of waitresses just looking for a break into the business. What shape will they be in once games start? Will Coach Sutter notice their Gatorade bottles smell like Mad Dog 20/20? Does gonorrhea affect the accuracy of your shot? Many unanswered questions.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Kings fans and Ducks fans have been invited to take a group road trip to San Jose to pretend they're looking for those three Stanley Cups Sharks fans figured they would've had by now before laughing and laughing and laughing

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

Gary's Orphans

 

Best Player: I know you want me to say Shane Doan. Don't lie. You want me to say Shane Doan because you don't know who any of the other players on the Coyotes are, so you want me to say Shane Doan so you can nod sagely and rub your chin. But I'm not playing along, it's NOT Shane Doan. Shane Doan sucks. Phoenix doesn't have a best player.

 

Worst Player: It's @BizNasty2point0 HEY BIZ U SUCK MAN UR NOT EVEN NE GOOD U CANT BE TALKIN SHIT ON TWITTER HOW BOUT A RT

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jerry Moyes  The NHL  Jim Balsillie  Jerry Reinsdorf  The NHL  Matthew Hulsizer  The NHL  Greg Jamison (?)

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey guys, uh, you know there's a hockey team that plays in town, right? Yeah, only it's about 45 minutes outside of town, but that's still pretty close compared to having to drive to Anaheim or LA or the Yucatan Peninsula or" *realizes they're talking to saguaro cactuses*

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

San Jose Sharks

 

Best Player: Patrick Marleau. Haha, just kidding, said that just to piss Jeremy Roenick off. It's Logan Couture.

 

Worst Player: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of you has ever heard of Bracken Kearns. "Bracken Kearns" sounds like a Scottish euphemism for jerking off.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Joe Thornton, hahahahahahahaha. You can also count on daddy to come home when he says he's just going out for a pack of cigarettes.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Sharks management has decided to reward longtime season ticket holders by informing them they can do a "LETS GO SHARKS" chant in three quick beats rather than the droning "LETS GO SHAAAAAAARKS" that makes them sound like they're on quaaludes.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Northwest Division

 

Calgary Flames

 

Best Player: Easily, Jarome Iginla. In fact, Iginla will remain the Flames' best player long after he's been traded for pennies on the dollar to a team that isn't run by Jay Feaster.

 

Worst Player: I'm going over this roster and I feel like Ben Roethlisberger at a sorority mixer. I want ALL of them. Why can't I pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler? Oh hey what the hell I WILL pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Uh, Dennis Wideman? I guess? I mean, they gave him $25 million, so I guess it's Dennis Wideman. I really hope Flames fans can talk themselves into Dennis Wideman, for their sake. Heh.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Remind them that the last time there was a lockout, the Flames had just come off an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, and they can do it again! And then hope none of them figure it out.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Edmonton Oilers

 

Best Player: For all the good young players we keep hearing about on this club, are any of them regarded as "the best" of them? I really like Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, but it could be any of the RNH/Hall/Eberle trio. Edmonton is the only team in this division I can't work up a bunch of hate for. Yet.

 

Worst Player: I am so, SO sad that I can't write Zack Stortini in this space, but then I realized Andy Sutton still plays here so, nice! Also, if you're on a team with Ben Eager and he's not the worst player on the team, your team may be in trouble.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Oilers have three choices: 40 year old Nikolai Khabibulin (40!), Devan Dubnyk , or another karmically friendly lottery ball. We all know how this is ending, don't we?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Threatening to move the team to Seattle! REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

MinneSuter Parises

 

Best Player: Clearly a two-horse race between Zach Parise (who spent his summer curing the common cold) and Suter Trophy favorite Ryan Suter, the man who they re-named the Norris Trophy for. Co-best players!

 

Worst Player: Haha, THE REST OF THEIR ROSTER. Look at it! Gaze upon it. Actually, Mikko Koivu is pretty good, but the rest of them are very Nate Prosser-esque. This roster is the Nate Prosser of rosters.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Oh, Dany Heatley is your scoring depth? Or Pierre-Marc Bouchard? Mikael Granlund is nothing more than a Youtube highlight right now.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Wild went out and spent close to $200 million on two players to get their boring fans all excited, and promptly locked them out for being overpaid. Wait, that was their gimmick to drive their fans away, sorry, got that one mixed up. Um, FREE BLOND HAIRED, BLUE EYED PUPPIES FOR EVERYONE!

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Vancouver Canucks

 

Best Players: Jesus Christ, I can't wait until the Ginger Twins are gone so I don't have to keep playing the "haha theyre the SAME" game. Ask a Canucks fan who the best player on the team is and they'll say it's Cory Schneider, because they're still suffering smoke inhalation from their legendary Stanley Cup Loss Celebration With Fire Parade in 2011.

 

Worst Player: "VAN - Signed D Cam Barker..." was as far as I made it before I got the giggles. Barker is keeping this space warm for future multi-time "worst player" winner Zack Kassian.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Nobody special, just that one goalie they had a couple years ago that got them to the Stanley Cup Final and have been trying to give him away ever since. What was his name? Ah well, it doesnt matter anyway, once they dump him they have something named Joe Cannata backing up Cory Schneider, so stay healthy Cory!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Tyler Bozak Jersey Tshirt Night" to take place on January 23rd, celebrating the newest member of the Canucks organization.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

AND FINALLY...

 

Colorado Avalanche

 

Best Player: Are we talking "best player that's currently signed to the club" or "best player that's being squeezed by an increasingly cheap ownership group being fronted by a bean-counter GM"? Because there are two different answers based upon that. The best player currently on the roster is Matt Duchene. Yes, I like Landeskog. Yes, I love Landeskog. Yes, he's only played one season. One more like last year, his name is in this spot next season.

 

Worst Player: @AnthraxJones You misspelled "sucks" "RT @MChambersDP: Chuck Kobasew sick, won't travel. Looks like Bordeleau will make NHL debut vs Minnesota”





 

Wait, they're counting on who? Yeah, who's gonna be taking Ryan O'Reilly's place while he's getting paid as he deserves over in the KHL while Stan Kroenke's wallet is tucked inside his prostate over here? John Mitchell? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey Avs fans, thanks for being patient with us while we rebuild with young talent! By the way, don't expect us to PAY the young talent when their contracts are up! Oh, and fuck you!"

 

Prediction: 2nd place. O'Reilly signed by this time next week. And I'm still a bitch.

 

Go Avs go.







 

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Minnesota Wild, 3/4/12, 3/6/12

Here we are, kids. We've lost to Columbus and Pittsburgh in two of the worst performances of the season, back to back. The last time the Avs played that badly, against Winnipeg, they subsequently reeled off four straight wins. Now we have a home-and-home with Manbearpig, starting tonight. For the 2011-2012 Colorado Avalanche, this is do or die. Four points aren't an option. This is the Primer for both games. No more words need to be said. See you Thursday for Nashville.

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Minnesota Wild, 2/2/12

"Yo Avs fans: we heard you like playing the Minnesota Wild, so we took the Minnesota Wild and put it in all your hockey games so you can play the Minnesota Wild in all your hockey games."

For seemingly the 19th time this season, the Avs battle the Wild. Nothing to really say about Minnesuckhole except "F off". For some reason, losing to the Wild and their Manbearpig logo really grates on my sack. So tonight, no regular Gameday Primer, no good guys or dicks, no heroes or goats. Not to overstate it, but tonight's game may be the turning point of the season. If the Avs can't beat these turds in their own building, they don't deserve to be in the playoff race. Let's do this.

Avs 5, Wild 2

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Minnesota Wild, 1/24/12

The Good Guys: Started putting pucks into the net about 54 minutes too late Sunday night in a 3-2 loss to Anaheim. The Avs outshot the Quacks 44-16, but Jonas Hiller was undizzy, and careless puckhandling during an early power play led to a short-handed goal by Bobby Ryan that had the Avs playing from behind for most of the game.

Bunch Of Dicks: O HAI THERE MINNESUCKWADS! Good to see that absolutely EVERYBODY IN THE UNIVERSE was right about you during your Smoke n' Mirrors start. You are who we thought you were!

We Like: The opportunity to dig Minnesota's hole just a little bit deeper going into the All Star break.

We Don't Like: It started out as a minor annoyance, then grew into something that made me grimace every time I saw it, then morphed into something that actually made my belly ache every time I saw it, and finally metastasized into a shorthanded goal in Sunday night's game at the Quacketeria: that stupid drop pass in the neutral zone on the power play breakout that is somehow supposed to generate extra speed coming into the zone. In theory? It makes sense. In practice, it ends up being four guys having to slow down to various degrees because the trailer is lagging, so you have one man bursting into the zone while four men are trying to get back to top speed. Is Tony Granato sending signals directly into Joe Sacco's head? If so, isn't that somehow illegal?

Randomly: When you ask someone for their telephone number or email address, 99% of the time, the person will race through it, forcing you to ask them to repeat it S L O W L Y. Can we legalize some sort of mildly physical negative reinforcement for people who do this? Maybe a light tap on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, like you'd do with a bad dog? A spritz of water?

Tonight's Hero: Joe Sacco, for not sitting JS Giguere tonight despite the loss on Sunday. Rotating your goalies based on the result of the last game, unless it was an exceptionally poor showing, doesn't work when you have one goalie clearly outplaying the other.

Tonight's Goat: The NHL. We're REALLY digging being forced to watch 6 Avs/Wild matchups a season, guys!

Final Thought: Minnesota is an odd resident on my list of unforgivable teams, in that they are on there due to one thing and one thing only: the 2003 first round playoff series, remembered most for Andrew Brunette ending Patrick Roy's career, Kerry Fraser taking games 6 and 7 and turning them into his own personal bidet, and Richard Park turning into Richard, Maurice. All the other teams on that list (Detroit, Vancouver, Dallas, Calgary) have found themselves there due to multiple transgressions over the span of years.

Avs 2, Wild 0

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Minnesota Wild, 12/26/11

The Good Guys: "Don't look now", but your Colorado Avalanche have reeled off four wins in a row, and have given themselves a chance to be in the playoff discussion as the new year rolls around. The up-and-down nature of this season thus far isn't going to keep the "yeah, but..." whispers at bay, but if the young team can keep gaining confidence, they could be a wild card in the playoff race during the second half of the season.

Bunch Of Dicks: the Minnesota Wild have to be considered the surprise team of the NHL this season, riding an inexplicable hot streak to the top of the Western Conference, in the face of any metric whatsoever that could explain it. The Wild lack compelling players, any discernable talent on the blueline, and certainly trustworthy designated drivers. They have received better-than-expected contributions from guys like Kyle Brodziak and Clayton Stoner, but the skeptics will tell you they dont expect that to be enough to sustain the Wild through the midseason grind. The Wild have shown cracks lately, as they've gone on a three-game skid. How will they respond to their first adversity of the season?

We Like: JS Giguere, NHL.com's third star of the week...hey, looky at what the Avs have: a #1 defenseman. Can Erik Johnson keep it up? Something seems to have clicked for him in the past month. Can we say it's coincided with the arrival of Stefan Elliott?... Ron Wilson and Brian Burke relentlessly trolling the self-important Toronto media... Another guy who is at his best when he's not down on himself, Matt Duchene, had his best game in weeks against Tampa on Friday... Not hearing too much about Joe Sacco's job security lately. Tune in, as that could change by the end of the night.

We Don't Like: Eric Duhatschek's knee-jerk characterization of Semyon Varlamov's performance thus far. I'd wager Duhatschek has seen Varlamov play three times, maximum, this season. Context is key, and while Varlamov's performance has been admittedly spotty thus far, "unmitigated disaster" is a bit overdramatic... Two days with no NHL games for the Christmas break? Good for the players and organizations, not so much for the fans. The NFL and NBA have a presence on Christmas Eve and Christmas day, why doesn't the NHL? On second thought, I wouldn't want to spend the holidays on the road either... Playing Minnesota, ever. I don't care that Jacques Lemaire isn't the coach anymore, I don't care that the Wild don't play that strict trap system they became known for, I don't care that they brought in "name" players like Devin Setoguchi and f---in' all-stars like Dany Heatley, they just are flat out boring to watch. I respect and like their fans, but I respect them even more for pretending they enjoy what they're watching from the home team.

Randomly: "Quaaludes" is the only word in the English language that contains the string "q-u-a-a". The only reason I thought of that? You bet, WE'RE PLAYING MINNESOTA.

Tonight's Hero: Gut feeling: Semyon Varlamov makes a few big saves to ward off a late flurry.

Tonight's Goat: being that Kerry Fraser has retired, we don't have to worry about the Avs getting whistled for a penalty 30 seconds after every goal they score against Minnesota; that said, with everybody still a little sluggish from the brief holiday layoff, I could see a bad call or two turning the tide of the game one way or the other. Let's hope it's in the right direction.

Final Thought: the season Minnesota has been having thus far reminds me a little of the Avs season last year. The wheels fell off for Colorado right around this time last season; hopefully the Avs brought their socket wrenches to, ahem, loosen those nuts a little more today.

Avs 3, Wild 2

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Minnesota Wild, 11/17/11

Know The Enemy: Minnesota Wild (10-5-3, 23 pts); beat Columbus 4-2 on Tuesday.

Key On This Guy: Hmm. Let me think about this for a second. Marian Gaborik doesn't play for Minnesota anymore, right? Wow. Okay, lets think harder. Well, Dany Heatley plays there, but...it's not 2003 anymore. Sigh. Alright, let's look at the stat sheet to see who's the leading scorer...

...and it's Matt Cullen. Jesus Christ. Wild fans, really? Matt Cullen? Alright then, I guess Matt Cullen is the guy to key on.

Laugh At This Guy: Dickhead rodeo clown Cal Clutterbuck, widely renowned around the NHL as the biggest chickenshit in the entire league. Nobody had ever even heard of "Buttercup", mainly because he plays for a team with exactly 18,064 fans, until Don Cherry put him on blast on Coach's Corner:

Since then, Clutterbuck has been known by fans for two things: first, his comically inflated hit totals, thanks to the friendly hometown stat-keepers in Minny, and second, for being the only Wild player that anybody can name.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: ersatz sniper Dany Heatley, because if you DO fall asleep, by the time you wake up he'll already have been traded to another different team.

Fact About The Wild That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Minnesota's original ownership group chose "Wild" as the new club's nickname because they wanted one that was easy for Minnesota's fans to spell. They also considered "Minnesota Egg", "Minnesota Cow", "Minnesota Hurt", and "Minnesota Xyz".

Celebrity Prediction: Minnesota Wild fan Rip Van Winkle

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Northwest Division

Calgary Flames
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Flames got off to a putrid start and never recovered, despite coach Brent Sutter's constant exhortations of "HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU GUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!!!!!!"

2011-12 Gut Reaction: <muffled giggling>

2011-12 Informed Reaction: <not even trying to hide the giggling>

2011-12 Prediction: Flames fans need to spend some time getting familiar with their blue-collar, lightly-skilled team, since they all have 7-year contracts and no-movement clauses and will be around for quite a long time.

Colorado Avalanche
2010-11 Lazy Review: A true Jeckyll-and-Hide-your-eyes team, the young Avs battled injuries and cheapskate ownership as I battled alcoholism.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: "So wait, Peter Budaj is in Montreal and Brian LOLiott is in St Louis? I LOVE OUR GOALTENDING! Who did we get to replace them?"

2011-12 Informed Reaction: I'll be providing a more in-depth look at the Avs on Friday, and the words "can it really get any worse?" will figure in prominently.

2011-12 Prediction: Avs rookie stud Gabriel Landeskog will prove himself worthy of the roster spot he's earned coming out of training camp, and will provide leadership to his new teammates, most of whom are two or three years younger than he is.

Edmonton Oilers
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Oilers struggled to another last place overall finish, and earned the right to the first selection in the entry draft. Once again, the Oilers provided the comic relief as they went to the podium and announced they were using that pick to select center Wayne Gretzky of the Sault Ste Marie Greyhounds.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Edmonton's dynamic young core, led by snipers Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson, and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, will be entertaining to watch. Also entertaining to watch: Edmonton fans in the stands, as they start layering on long underwear, sweaters, coats, hats, gloves, and boots, midway through the first period in anticipation of having to walk back to their cars at the end of the game.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: "Last six guys that show up to the rink play defense tonight, fellas!"

2011-12 Prediction: Oilers' equipment manager Jeff Lang will run out of jersey nameplate materal by mid-November.

Minnesota Wild
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Wild did a bunch of stuff. Played in some games, probably? I'm sure they won some of them. Come to think of it, I dont remember seeing any highlights. Wait, they're still in the league, right?

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Minnesota comes into the new season after an offseason makeover that saw them trade their two best players to San Jose in exchange for the Sharks' sixth and seventh best players. Shrewd.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Wild expect 2003 Motorist Of The Year Dany Heatley to reinvigorate his career riding shotgun to Wild captain Mikko Koivu: a fine player, but not the premiere setup man in the league that Heatley played with in San Jose.

2011-12 Prediction: The sight of 18,000 fans in the Xcel Energy Center who are actually excited to see the Wild play will amaze me every single time I see it. Approximately 5 minutes later, I'll be asleep.

Vancouver Canucks
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Canucks rewarded their long-suffering fans with a team they could be proud of.  Of course, pride is all relative, as the players they're proud of are ne'er-do-wells like Alex Burrows, Maxim Lapierre, Kevin Bieksa, and approximately 72% of the rest of the grinning, smirking assholes in the NHL.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Vancouver returns most of the key players from their Stanley Cup finalist team, including scoring sensations Henrik and Daniel Sedin, Selke candidate Ryan Kesler, and goaltender Roberto Luong...gah...gasp...ggggghhhhhhhhhh <turns blue>

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Nucks figure to be one of two or three teams that have the ability to come out of the competitive Western Conference, along with the Sharks, Kings, and Blackhawks OMIGOD PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEEEASE LET SOMEBODY ELSE BEAT THE BLACKHAWKS.

2011-12 Prediction: Alex Burrows suffers a season-ending tongue injury in December, leading GM Mike Gillis to stroll behind Rogers Arena and pick another asshole off the Canucks' fruitful Asshole Tree. Past harvests have included Gino Odjick, Todd Bertuzzi, Jarkko Ruutu, and Matt Cooke.