Poison Pen Preview: Western Conference

If you missed it, I previewed the Eastern Conference on Monday. You're already here, so go read it.

Now, for our friends in the Western Conference. Gosh, you're such a swell bunch of rivals, and I have SO much respect for each and every one of you. Let's take a look at key players at each end of the spectrum, what the teams are doing for their fans to welcome them back, and prognosticate where each team will find itself at the end of this truncated, bastard cash grab of a season.

 

 

Central Division

 

Chicago Blackhawks

 

Best Player: "Captain Serious", Jonathan Toews. Toews is, by all accounts, the most respected young player in the NHL with a really shitty nickname, edging out "Sid the Kid" and "The Great 8".

 

Worst Player: How does Sheldon Brookbank keep falling into NHL contracts? Also, if you're Chris Campoli and you see that your former team would rather have Brookbank on their roster than you...it's time to start thinking about a new line of work, right? Like, he sees this, yeah?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Chicago is going into it's THIRD season with a core good enough to compete for a Stanley Cup...and Corey Crawford standing between the pipes. If Stan Bowman is ever in charge of your night out, DON'T GO, because Billy Joel will end up your designated driver.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Hawks fired their best bullet in the chamber a few years ago when they really reached out to their fans and rewarded them for their loyalty by...deciding to show the team's home games on television. This year, don't put it past the Hawks to give their fans permission to record those televised games on their VCRs.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Columbus Blue Jackets

 

Best Player: It's probably not a good sign that I had to visit the team's roster on their website to figure out an answer to this question. It's probably an even worse sign that I wondered if I could just skip this category for the Jackets. After careful consideration (I drew a name out of a hat) I decided on Fedor Tyutin, because that's the name I drew out of the hat.

 

Worst Player: I so desperately wanted this to be one of the players they got from the Rangers for Rick Nash, but alas, I couldn't in good conscience NOT say Derek MacKenzie.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? "Hey, remember that guy who was good for us like 4 years ago and ever since then has been an inconsistent headcase that hasn't been able to even approach his former level of play? Let's give him another chance!" Welcome back, Steve Mason!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: A few years ago, the Jackets installed a Civil War cannon that's fired after every goal. This year, lucky fans will be selected at random to fire the cannon after each Columbus goal, which means by the end of the season, at least six fans will have gone home happy.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Hockeytown (Detroit Red Wings)

 

Best Player: Even a hater like me can't deny that Pavel Datsyuk is pretty great. Datsyuk occupies rarified air in my esteem, standing beside only the now-retired Nick Lidstrom and Sergei Federov as the only Red Wings players I had grudging respect for. Oops, sorry, I forgot to bolden, italicize, underline, and jack up the font on that one really relevant pertinent and important part:

 

THE NOW-RETIRED NICK LIDSTROM

 

okay, that's out of my system.

 

Worst Player: I feel like I may be a little unduly pessimistic about Mikael Samuelsson. Hell, maybe this, his 14th stint in Detroit, may be the time he finally figures out how to hit the net.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Is it possible that the dropoff between Nick Lidstrom and Ian White is really all that much? I mean, people slightly downgrade from a Maybach to a station wagon with woodgrain paneling and it works out fine ALL THE TIME WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Fans in attendance and watching at home on opening night will be treated to a spectacular laser show designed to hypnotize them into thinking Damien Brunner is Brendan Shanahan, they're in the year 1998, and the whole octopus thing isn't dated and stupid.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Nashville Predators

 

Best Player: This is an easy one: Shea Weber, the cute girl that all the rich jocks (Philly, Detroit, the Rangers) want to date, but ends up going to the prom with the bucktoothed hayseed. That's you Nashville. Oh, and you're paying her $110 million to go with you, you perverts.

 

Worst Player: Know who else has a job? Brian McGrattan. Hey, he's got a family to feed too, I guess. His family is definitely ashamed of him.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Hey, remember when David Poile gave up a first round draft pick for Paul Gaustad? Well, they kept Paul Gaustad, whose biggest contribution to any team in his career was the time he stood and watched Milan Lucic truck Ryan Miller as though he had a camera in his hand and a press pass around his neck. We brought Paul Gaustad here to win faceoffs, ladies and gents, and maybe he'll do it.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Four words: "Faith Hill Panties Giveaway".

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

St Louis Blues

 











Best Player: Defenseman Alex Pietrangelo, the best player in the league whose surname has a pastry in it. He is really, really good. If he really was a pie, he'd be Huckleberry.

 

Worst Player: Hey, Jeff Woywitka's not in the AHL, which is probably why the Mayan apocalypse couldn't happen the way it was supposed to.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? This one isn't so much a "who" as it is a "what". That "what" is, they're counting on Ken Hitchcock not getting strangled to death by one of the players. You see, because Ken Hitchcock is a pain in the ass, and nobody likes him, and why does he look like that? So lumpy.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Blues have gone the charitable route, reaching out to fans and communities of all 30 NHL franchises by donating enough food to fill the food banks in their areas, and they did it simply by raiding Keith Tkachuk's refrigerator.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Pacific Division

 

Anaheim Ducks

 

Best Player: Sorry, Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. Come see me when youre 40, when you've scored over 600 goals, when you shoot your glove out of the air with your stick to celebrate those goals, and when you're from Finland. It's Teemu Selanne.

 

Worst Player: Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, captain of the Starship Suck.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jolly Bruce Boudreau injected life into the struggling Ducks when he was brought in to replace Randy Carlyle last season, but once giggling players discovered "Bruce Boudreau" was the name Elmer Fudd was using to conceal his identity, the team fell off the pace.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: During their January 26th home game against Nashville, Anaheim will ice an entire team of actual ducks to play against the Predators. Paul Gaustad will stand and watch the biggest one peck at Pekka Rinne.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Dallas Stars

 

Best Player: Sniper Loui Eriksson is a threat to score every time he's on the ice. Eriksson has a knack of finding spots where no one sees him. In that sense, he's a perfect fit in Dallas.

 

Worst Player: Defenseman Jordie Benn, who also drinks the milk out of brother Jamie's cereal bowl when he's done eating it, dates women that his brother has dumped, and still wears his brother's hand-me-up skates.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Guys named Tomas Vincour and Colton Sceviour, that's who. I've never seen either one of them, but if they don't wear matching ascots when they go to dinner, then they're not the men they could be.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Some teams will choose a night or two to honor legends of the sport. The Stars will be hosting legends night every night of the season after signing What's Left Of Ray Whitney and What's Left Of Jaromir Jagr.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

Los Angeles Kings

 

Best Player: Conn Smythe trophy winner Jonathan Quick will lead the defending Stanley Cup champs into their lockout-shortened title defense. Goalie Quick, captain Dustin Brown, and former King and current broadcaster Jim Fox will be jumping over the lazy dogs of the Western Conference on a nightly basis once the season is underway.

 

Worst Player: The defending champs don't really have a "worst player", per se, but I'd want to punch a guy named Kyle Clifford right in the dick on principle alone. You can't be named "Kyle Clifford" and still be a good person.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The West Hollywood Two, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, likely spent the better part of the last 6 months drinking Jose Cuervo and crushing the dreams and vaginas of waitresses just looking for a break into the business. What shape will they be in once games start? Will Coach Sutter notice their Gatorade bottles smell like Mad Dog 20/20? Does gonorrhea affect the accuracy of your shot? Many unanswered questions.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Kings fans and Ducks fans have been invited to take a group road trip to San Jose to pretend they're looking for those three Stanley Cups Sharks fans figured they would've had by now before laughing and laughing and laughing

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

Gary's Orphans

 

Best Player: I know you want me to say Shane Doan. Don't lie. You want me to say Shane Doan because you don't know who any of the other players on the Coyotes are, so you want me to say Shane Doan so you can nod sagely and rub your chin. But I'm not playing along, it's NOT Shane Doan. Shane Doan sucks. Phoenix doesn't have a best player.

 

Worst Player: It's @BizNasty2point0 HEY BIZ U SUCK MAN UR NOT EVEN NE GOOD U CANT BE TALKIN SHIT ON TWITTER HOW BOUT A RT

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jerry Moyes  The NHL  Jim Balsillie  Jerry Reinsdorf  The NHL  Matthew Hulsizer  The NHL  Greg Jamison (?)

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey guys, uh, you know there's a hockey team that plays in town, right? Yeah, only it's about 45 minutes outside of town, but that's still pretty close compared to having to drive to Anaheim or LA or the Yucatan Peninsula or" *realizes they're talking to saguaro cactuses*

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

San Jose Sharks

 

Best Player: Patrick Marleau. Haha, just kidding, said that just to piss Jeremy Roenick off. It's Logan Couture.

 

Worst Player: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of you has ever heard of Bracken Kearns. "Bracken Kearns" sounds like a Scottish euphemism for jerking off.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Joe Thornton, hahahahahahahaha. You can also count on daddy to come home when he says he's just going out for a pack of cigarettes.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Sharks management has decided to reward longtime season ticket holders by informing them they can do a "LETS GO SHARKS" chant in three quick beats rather than the droning "LETS GO SHAAAAAAARKS" that makes them sound like they're on quaaludes.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Northwest Division

 

Calgary Flames

 

Best Player: Easily, Jarome Iginla. In fact, Iginla will remain the Flames' best player long after he's been traded for pennies on the dollar to a team that isn't run by Jay Feaster.

 

Worst Player: I'm going over this roster and I feel like Ben Roethlisberger at a sorority mixer. I want ALL of them. Why can't I pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler? Oh hey what the hell I WILL pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Uh, Dennis Wideman? I guess? I mean, they gave him $25 million, so I guess it's Dennis Wideman. I really hope Flames fans can talk themselves into Dennis Wideman, for their sake. Heh.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Remind them that the last time there was a lockout, the Flames had just come off an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, and they can do it again! And then hope none of them figure it out.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Edmonton Oilers

 

Best Player: For all the good young players we keep hearing about on this club, are any of them regarded as "the best" of them? I really like Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, but it could be any of the RNH/Hall/Eberle trio. Edmonton is the only team in this division I can't work up a bunch of hate for. Yet.

 

Worst Player: I am so, SO sad that I can't write Zack Stortini in this space, but then I realized Andy Sutton still plays here so, nice! Also, if you're on a team with Ben Eager and he's not the worst player on the team, your team may be in trouble.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Oilers have three choices: 40 year old Nikolai Khabibulin (40!), Devan Dubnyk , or another karmically friendly lottery ball. We all know how this is ending, don't we?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Threatening to move the team to Seattle! REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

MinneSuter Parises

 

Best Player: Clearly a two-horse race between Zach Parise (who spent his summer curing the common cold) and Suter Trophy favorite Ryan Suter, the man who they re-named the Norris Trophy for. Co-best players!

 

Worst Player: Haha, THE REST OF THEIR ROSTER. Look at it! Gaze upon it. Actually, Mikko Koivu is pretty good, but the rest of them are very Nate Prosser-esque. This roster is the Nate Prosser of rosters.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Oh, Dany Heatley is your scoring depth? Or Pierre-Marc Bouchard? Mikael Granlund is nothing more than a Youtube highlight right now.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Wild went out and spent close to $200 million on two players to get their boring fans all excited, and promptly locked them out for being overpaid. Wait, that was their gimmick to drive their fans away, sorry, got that one mixed up. Um, FREE BLOND HAIRED, BLUE EYED PUPPIES FOR EVERYONE!

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Vancouver Canucks

 

Best Players: Jesus Christ, I can't wait until the Ginger Twins are gone so I don't have to keep playing the "haha theyre the SAME" game. Ask a Canucks fan who the best player on the team is and they'll say it's Cory Schneider, because they're still suffering smoke inhalation from their legendary Stanley Cup Loss Celebration With Fire Parade in 2011.

 

Worst Player: "VAN - Signed D Cam Barker..." was as far as I made it before I got the giggles. Barker is keeping this space warm for future multi-time "worst player" winner Zack Kassian.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Nobody special, just that one goalie they had a couple years ago that got them to the Stanley Cup Final and have been trying to give him away ever since. What was his name? Ah well, it doesnt matter anyway, once they dump him they have something named Joe Cannata backing up Cory Schneider, so stay healthy Cory!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Tyler Bozak Jersey Tshirt Night" to take place on January 23rd, celebrating the newest member of the Canucks organization.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

AND FINALLY...

 

Colorado Avalanche

 

Best Player: Are we talking "best player that's currently signed to the club" or "best player that's being squeezed by an increasingly cheap ownership group being fronted by a bean-counter GM"? Because there are two different answers based upon that. The best player currently on the roster is Matt Duchene. Yes, I like Landeskog. Yes, I love Landeskog. Yes, he's only played one season. One more like last year, his name is in this spot next season.

 

Worst Player: @AnthraxJones You misspelled "sucks" "RT @MChambersDP: Chuck Kobasew sick, won't travel. Looks like Bordeleau will make NHL debut vs Minnesota”





 

Wait, they're counting on who? Yeah, who's gonna be taking Ryan O'Reilly's place while he's getting paid as he deserves over in the KHL while Stan Kroenke's wallet is tucked inside his prostate over here? John Mitchell? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey Avs fans, thanks for being patient with us while we rebuild with young talent! By the way, don't expect us to PAY the young talent when their contracts are up! Oh, and fuck you!"

 

Prediction: 2nd place. O'Reilly signed by this time next week. And I'm still a bitch.

 

Go Avs go.







 

POISON PEN: Round one preview, Western Conference

Yesterday, we took a look at the first round matchups in the Eastern Conference. Today, we delve into matchups featuring our good friends in the Western Conference. Once again, we will be assisted in our puckish prognostications by fabled Tonight Show guru and soothsayer, Carnac The Magnificent. These previews have NOT been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk And Wagnall's front porch since noon today.

(1W) Vancouver Canucks

(8W) Los Angeles Kings

The Matchup: This is a rematch of a 2010 series between these two teams that absolutely nobody remembers. I'm assuming the Canucks won, because losing to the Kings wouldn't have been nearly painful enough for Canucks fans. This year has a different feel from the Kings' standpoint, as they have imported nearly 74% of the Philadelphia Flyers' roster in an attempt to make it to the finals and lose. Meanwhile, the Canucks are back to defend their Western Conference title. Giggle. If this series comes down to goaltending, the Kings may have the edge in Jonathan Quick, who racked up 10 shutouts this season. The Canucks will be backstopped by Roberto Luongo until they're backstopped by Cory Schneider, until they've decided that Luongo is ready to give it another shot, until they see he isn't and Schneider is re-inserted, until the Canucks remember they're basically married to Luongo until 2022 and put him back in for good. By that point, the second period of game 1 will be underway.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: All eyes will be on Mike Richards, the former Flyers' captain for whom the Kings paid a... well, a Them Ransom. Richards is looked at as a prototypical playoff player, a leader who can hit, score, fight, and make plays. Richards figures to see time matched up against Ryan Kesler, which will tie an NHL playoff record for the least amount of charisma between two opponents at one time.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Canucks forward Dale Weise, who missed the cutoff for NHL players named "Dale" by 25 years.

Carnac Says: "Twin Peaks".

"What does one Sedin do when the other Sedin is having sex?"

Prediction: Canucks in 7

 

(4W) Nashville Predators

(5W) Detroit Red Wings

The Matchup: The Nashville Predators are on a mission to finally take that last step in their journey to win the Stanley Cup, and fittingly, their first obstacle is their previously insurmountable rival Detroit Red Wings. David Poile's carefully crafted 15-year plan is finally coming to fruition, and that was never more evident when he threw caution to the wind and traded their first round draft pick for...um, Paul Gaustad. Alrighty then. Meanwhile, the Red Wings and their fans are more excited for the playoffs this season than usual, as they won't be inconvenienced by late game starting times against opponents on the west coast this season. YOU CAN GO TO BED BEFORE 11:30 NOW, WINGS FANS. Think of how nice it will be to have that extra two hours of sleep when you go in the next day for your 4PM-10PM shift at McDonalds.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Prodigal son Alex Radulov returned to the Predators after nearly four seasons playing in the KHL. Radulov and the Preds had each other by the short-n-curlys, as Radulov wanted the free agency that playing the last 10 games of this NHL campaign offered, and the Preds needed the dynamic gamebreaker they have under contract with Radulov for the most important playoff season in franchise history. A productive Radulov will raise the blood pressure of rival GMs, coaches, and fans who don't understand the concept of a player that's "under contract".

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Expect game announcers and Red Wings fans to be force-feeding you the "Valtteri Filppula has matured into the next dominant Detroit forward" storyline. Don't buy it. Filppula is a milquetoast player that benefits from playing with Henrik Zetterberg. Without Zetterberg, Filppula is Josef Beranek.

Carnac Says: "Mathieu Dandenault."

"What's the answer when Mathieu Dande asks you if the Red Wings are going to win this series?"

Prediction: Predators in 6

(2W) St. Louis Blues

(7W) San Jose Sharks

The Matchup: Everybody has that one moment they wish they could go back and do over. For Blues fans, it's the 2000 first round series against the Sharks. The Blues were the President's Trophy winner that season, Chris Pronger won the Hart Trophy as league MVP, but the team stumbled and gagged away their first round series against the up-and-coming Sharks. This time, the Blues are the up-and-coming team, and the Sharks are the ones who get the lump at critical moments. A very real question to be asked: if the Sharks aren't able to upset the Blues, have we seen their window close on a suddenly aging core?

Most Interesting Player In This Series: The Blues allowed blueliner Alex Pietrangelo to bake properly until his game was golden brown and crispy, and have been rewarded by two consecutive stellar seasons. As big as Pietrangelo looks on the ice, that's how smooth he looks as well. This will be his first taste of playoff action, and it will be interesting to see how the young Blues defender holds his ground against a veteran Sharks group that is big enough and experienced enough to feel comfortable attacking Pietrangelo directly.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: I wish I could get behind Joe Thornton. I really do. He seems like a nice enough guy, he is supremely talented and blessed with elite on-ice vision, and has put up eye-popping stats over the years. The problem is, we've seen this movie before, over and over and over again for nearly 15 years. Joe's a deadbeat dad of a hockey player, one with far too much to offer to have such a spotty track record. Like the Sharks, the Blues play a physical style, and they won't be shy about getting in Thornton's face, hitting and agitating him at every turn. Until Thornton proves he can thrive in a playoff hockey setting, it will be easy to dismiss what he brings to the table.

Carnac Says: "Hitchcock".

"Name a painful way to tow a boat."

Prediction: Blues in 6



 

(3W) Phoenix Coyotes

(6W) Chicago Blackhawks

The Matchup: The Chicago Blackhawks replace the Detroit Red Wings as the co-stars of the now annual Phoenix playoff passion play. The Coyotes get into the playoffs on the NHL's dime, the cloud of relocation hangs over the series, the Coyotes lose the series, the Coyotes are spared for "one more season". Lather, rinse, repeat. Hard fact: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE COYOTES IN THE PLAYOFFS TO BEGIN WITH. I'm openly rooting for the Blackhawks in this series.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: A bit overshadowed by Sidney Crosby's late-season return has been the ongoing concussion saga of Hawks captain Jonathan Toews, who missed the final 21 games of Chicago's regular season and is sketchy as a candidate to play early in this series. The Blackhawks may have the depth to replace Toews's scoring production, but there's no one on the roster that will be able to replace his lustrous playoff muttonchop sideburns. Ex-Hawks GM Dale Tallon's failure to submit a qualifying offer to former US president Chester A. Arthur in 2009 could come back to haunt the franchise.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Phoenix plugger Boyd Gordon, a fine defensive forward, may be the most nondescript player on the most nondescript team in the NHL. Plus, he's another one of those guys with "Last Name First" disease. Stop bullshitting us, Gordon Boyd, there's supposed to be a comma in there somewhere.

Carnac Says: "Coyote Ugly".

"Describe Dave Tippett's gameplan."

Prediction: Coyotes in 7


May Brian Burke loosen the ties on your sister's undergarments.

Enjoy the first round!

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Phoenix Coyotes, 3/22/12

The Good Guys: Gutted out two points against the Calgarian dicknoses on Tuesday night. The Avs spent most of the night trading chances with their mediocre rival, and while they really didn't play their best game, they got the job done in the end. David Jones was the man of the hour, slipping a puck past Miikka Kiipprruussooffff in overtime for the critical extra point. Paul Stastny also was key, scoring the first goal and buttering up the chance that Jones put away in overtime.

Bunch Of Dicks: The NHL's resident welfare state is hanging annoyingly in the playoff race, as they usually do. The Coyotes are a team that's built to survive and outlast, rather than outgun, and that's perfect strategy for today's NHL. Phoenix took advantage of Dallas brainfarts on Tuesday night to erase a 3-1 third period deficit and steal a point for pushing the game into overtime. This is a virtual playoff game for both teams.

We Like: It only took him 75 games, but Joe Sacco finally went off about the perceived officiating iniquities that have seemingly dogged the Avs this season. Whether real or imagined (and having watched 95% of the games this season, I'd tend to lean toward real), perception is reality and the perception is the young team isn't getting the respect it deserves from the officials. Is there bias? I doubt it, but it's good to see Sacco publicly holding those guys to the fire a little bit. Every other coach does it.

We Don't Like: Shane Doan is a sack of crap. The next big game he's a positive factor in will be the first. His elbow to the face of Jamie Benn during Tuesday night's game was malicious, stupid, and selfish. Doan was suspended for three games (tonight being the first) with his team battling to stay in the playoff race. The narrative is that Doan is a good honest hardworking Canadian kid who drinks his milk and loves his family. That doesn't jive all that well with headhunting elbows and allegations of racism that Doan has seen himself involved in over the years.

Randomly: Here's some math: Unseasonably warm weather + virtual playoff games = HOCKEY BONER.

Potential Hero: I called it the other night, it didn't happen. I'm calling it again tonight: Tyson Barrie pots his first career goal. I'll be perfectly happy if he plays as well as he did on Tuesday and doesn't score a goal, though.

Potential Goat: It was a borderline miracle the Mueller/Duchene/Hejduk line didn't finish a combined -15 on Tuesday; they were that bad. Frighteningly bad.

Final Thought: A regulation win tonight means breathing room for the Avs, and adds to the cushion they will need as the rest of the dog pack plays their games-in-hand. You don't really think it's going to be that easy, do you?

Coyotes 2, Avs 1

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Phoenix Coyotes, 11/2/11

Know The Enemy: Phoenix Coyotes (5-3-2, 12 pts); beat Los Angeles 3-2 in OT on Saturday.

Key On This Guy: Coyotes leading scorer Ray Whitney, who had scored goals in three consecutive games prior to Saturday's win over the Kings. The wizened Whitney has always struggled against the Kings, dating back to his unsuccessful attempts to overthrow Charlemagne.

Laugh At This Guy: Internet Enforcer Paul Bissonnette, prolific tweeter and alleged porn star wrecker. "Biz Nasty" has carved out an entertaining niche for himself, tweeting verbal blumpkins from the can, which he refers to as "twooping".

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Underrated Martin Hanzal, one of the most efficient defensive forwards in the NHL. Hanzal also has a developing offensive arsenal, and if he had played on a team that anybody actually paid attention to, would be compared favorably to Penguins pterodactyl-on-ice Jordan Staal.

Fact About The Coyotes That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Before placing their new arena in the suburb of Glendale, the former Coyotes ownership group led by Steve Ellman searched for a site located closer to and more convenient to downtown Phoenix. A list of these sites includes Las Cruces, New Mexico; the site of the former Koresh Compound in Waco, Texas; the inside of a dormant volcano in Oahu, Hawaii; and New Zealand.

Celebrity Prediction: Wile E. Coyote

Oops, sorry...that's his prediction for the fate of the franchise in Glendale.

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Pacific Division

Anaheim Ducks
2010-11 Lazy Review: Anaheim battled its way into the playoffs behind Hart Trophy winner Corey Perry, strapping center Ryan Getzlaf, rookie sensation Cam Fowler, and dizzy goalie Jonas Hiller.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: With Mark Recchi's retirement, Getzlaf tries to fill his shoes as the NHL's premiere "Please, just shave your friggin head and be done with it already" star player.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Ducks will again be in a tightly contested hunt for a playoff berth, but are the clear favorites to win the "Soap Opera Character or NHL Player?" game, with rostered players named Luca Sbisa, Emerson Etem, Andrew Cogliano, and Francois Beauchemin.

2011-12 Prediction: Teemu Selanne will celebrate his first trip back to Winnipeg by scoring a goal, tossing his glove up in the air, pretending to shoot it down with his stick, then having sex with the mayor's wife.

Dallas Stars
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Stars wrapped up their 19th year in Texas with a soul-crushing loss in their former home state of Minnesota that knocked Dallas out of playoff contention. Elated Minnesotans celebrated by being very polite and Nordic-looking.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: After several harrowing years of financial tightrope-walking, the Stars have emerged from bankruptcy with a new owner, Vancouver businessman Tom Gaglardi. Gaglardi has immediately declared his hometown Canucks as the team he'd like to model the Stars after, and will be signing as many smirking assholes as he can fit on the roster.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Stars won't be the most interesting team to follow, but a game to watch will be when they will renew their inexplicable feud with the Bruins on December 31 in Dallas. Watch as Jack Edwards has a little too much champagne and tries to kiss Darryl Reaugh at midnight while a simmering Ralph Strangis fumes in the corner.

2011-12 Prediction: The Stars will be forced to trade captain Brendan Morrow and promising young stars Loui Eriksson and Jamie Benn when it's discovered a clerical error caused Mike Modano's one-day "retirement" contract to be registered as a $99,999,999 cap hit.

Los Angeles Kings
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Kings finally rounded into form as a legitimate postseason threat. Of course, by Kings standards, a "legitimate postseason threat" is defined as "being a mildly inconvenient first round speedbump for a real team".

2011-12 Gut Reaction: GM Dean Lombardi went about tweaking his roster with the acquisition of former Flyers captain Mike Richards, and tweaking his franchise defenseman Drew Doughty over a lousy $200,000 per season. Gotta save your pennies for Matt Greene.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Kings eliminated purple from their uniforms this season, opting for a sleek silver and black palette that will make the Kings players the envy of all the other golfers in May.

2011-12 Prediction: Los Angeles takes advantage of the NBA lockout to make a splash by signing Lakers star Kobe Bryant to replace head coach Interchangeable, Unsuccessful Murray.

Phoenix Coyotes
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Coyotes defied the odds and exceeded the expectations of fans, pundits, and critics alike by continuing to exist.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The loss of unorthodox goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov will be mitigated by head coach Dave Tippett's sound defensive system, emerging shutdown center Martin Hanzal, and the relative batshittiness of everybody else affected adversely by the dry heat of the desert.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Once again, the Coyotes will only go as far as everybody else's money, time, and resources take them.

2011-12 Prediction: The Coyotes' October 15th matchup with the Winnipeg Jets will confuse the bloody hell out of a group of time travelers from the year 1997.

San Jose Sharks
2010-11 Lazy Review: San Jose was able to reach game 5 of the Western Conference final one year after being swept in the same round by the Blackhawks, which puts them on pace to finally win a conference championship by 2014.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Out: Dany Heatley. In: Martin Havlat. Sick: Ottawa Senators fans.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Sharks improved their standing in the Western Conference drastically on the night of the draft, acquiring stud defenseman Brent Burns from Minnesota. Once Burns learns that "playoffs" means "those games that all the other players got to play after my season ended", he will be a key player on the Sharks' blueline come late April and May.

2011-12 Prediction: Joe Thornton will reveal he was hesitant to accept GM Doug Wilson's offer to become the captain of the Sharks because he thought it meant he would have to fight Roy Scheider.