POISON PEN: Round one preview, Western Conference

Yesterday, we took a look at the first round matchups in the Eastern Conference. Today, we delve into matchups featuring our good friends in the Western Conference. Once again, we will be assisted in our puckish prognostications by fabled Tonight Show guru and soothsayer, Carnac The Magnificent. These previews have NOT been sealed in a mayonnaise jar on Funk And Wagnall's front porch since noon today.

(1W) Vancouver Canucks

(8W) Los Angeles Kings

The Matchup: This is a rematch of a 2010 series between these two teams that absolutely nobody remembers. I'm assuming the Canucks won, because losing to the Kings wouldn't have been nearly painful enough for Canucks fans. This year has a different feel from the Kings' standpoint, as they have imported nearly 74% of the Philadelphia Flyers' roster in an attempt to make it to the finals and lose. Meanwhile, the Canucks are back to defend their Western Conference title. Giggle. If this series comes down to goaltending, the Kings may have the edge in Jonathan Quick, who racked up 10 shutouts this season. The Canucks will be backstopped by Roberto Luongo until they're backstopped by Cory Schneider, until they've decided that Luongo is ready to give it another shot, until they see he isn't and Schneider is re-inserted, until the Canucks remember they're basically married to Luongo until 2022 and put him back in for good. By that point, the second period of game 1 will be underway.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: All eyes will be on Mike Richards, the former Flyers' captain for whom the Kings paid a... well, a Them Ransom. Richards is looked at as a prototypical playoff player, a leader who can hit, score, fight, and make plays. Richards figures to see time matched up against Ryan Kesler, which will tie an NHL playoff record for the least amount of charisma between two opponents at one time.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Canucks forward Dale Weise, who missed the cutoff for NHL players named "Dale" by 25 years.

Carnac Says: "Twin Peaks".

"What does one Sedin do when the other Sedin is having sex?"

Prediction: Canucks in 7

 

(4W) Nashville Predators

(5W) Detroit Red Wings

The Matchup: The Nashville Predators are on a mission to finally take that last step in their journey to win the Stanley Cup, and fittingly, their first obstacle is their previously insurmountable rival Detroit Red Wings. David Poile's carefully crafted 15-year plan is finally coming to fruition, and that was never more evident when he threw caution to the wind and traded their first round draft pick for...um, Paul Gaustad. Alrighty then. Meanwhile, the Red Wings and their fans are more excited for the playoffs this season than usual, as they won't be inconvenienced by late game starting times against opponents on the west coast this season. YOU CAN GO TO BED BEFORE 11:30 NOW, WINGS FANS. Think of how nice it will be to have that extra two hours of sleep when you go in the next day for your 4PM-10PM shift at McDonalds.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: Prodigal son Alex Radulov returned to the Predators after nearly four seasons playing in the KHL. Radulov and the Preds had each other by the short-n-curlys, as Radulov wanted the free agency that playing the last 10 games of this NHL campaign offered, and the Preds needed the dynamic gamebreaker they have under contract with Radulov for the most important playoff season in franchise history. A productive Radulov will raise the blood pressure of rival GMs, coaches, and fans who don't understand the concept of a player that's "under contract".

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Expect game announcers and Red Wings fans to be force-feeding you the "Valtteri Filppula has matured into the next dominant Detroit forward" storyline. Don't buy it. Filppula is a milquetoast player that benefits from playing with Henrik Zetterberg. Without Zetterberg, Filppula is Josef Beranek.

Carnac Says: "Mathieu Dandenault."

"What's the answer when Mathieu Dande asks you if the Red Wings are going to win this series?"

Prediction: Predators in 6

(2W) St. Louis Blues

(7W) San Jose Sharks

The Matchup: Everybody has that one moment they wish they could go back and do over. For Blues fans, it's the 2000 first round series against the Sharks. The Blues were the President's Trophy winner that season, Chris Pronger won the Hart Trophy as league MVP, but the team stumbled and gagged away their first round series against the up-and-coming Sharks. This time, the Blues are the up-and-coming team, and the Sharks are the ones who get the lump at critical moments. A very real question to be asked: if the Sharks aren't able to upset the Blues, have we seen their window close on a suddenly aging core?

Most Interesting Player In This Series: The Blues allowed blueliner Alex Pietrangelo to bake properly until his game was golden brown and crispy, and have been rewarded by two consecutive stellar seasons. As big as Pietrangelo looks on the ice, that's how smooth he looks as well. This will be his first taste of playoff action, and it will be interesting to see how the young Blues defender holds his ground against a veteran Sharks group that is big enough and experienced enough to feel comfortable attacking Pietrangelo directly.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: I wish I could get behind Joe Thornton. I really do. He seems like a nice enough guy, he is supremely talented and blessed with elite on-ice vision, and has put up eye-popping stats over the years. The problem is, we've seen this movie before, over and over and over again for nearly 15 years. Joe's a deadbeat dad of a hockey player, one with far too much to offer to have such a spotty track record. Like the Sharks, the Blues play a physical style, and they won't be shy about getting in Thornton's face, hitting and agitating him at every turn. Until Thornton proves he can thrive in a playoff hockey setting, it will be easy to dismiss what he brings to the table.

Carnac Says: "Hitchcock".

"Name a painful way to tow a boat."

Prediction: Blues in 6



 

(3W) Phoenix Coyotes

(6W) Chicago Blackhawks

The Matchup: The Chicago Blackhawks replace the Detroit Red Wings as the co-stars of the now annual Phoenix playoff passion play. The Coyotes get into the playoffs on the NHL's dime, the cloud of relocation hangs over the series, the Coyotes lose the series, the Coyotes are spared for "one more season". Lather, rinse, repeat. Hard fact: NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE COYOTES IN THE PLAYOFFS TO BEGIN WITH. I'm openly rooting for the Blackhawks in this series.

Most Interesting Player In This Series: A bit overshadowed by Sidney Crosby's late-season return has been the ongoing concussion saga of Hawks captain Jonathan Toews, who missed the final 21 games of Chicago's regular season and is sketchy as a candidate to play early in this series. The Blackhawks may have the depth to replace Toews's scoring production, but there's no one on the roster that will be able to replace his lustrous playoff muttonchop sideburns. Ex-Hawks GM Dale Tallon's failure to submit a qualifying offer to former US president Chester A. Arthur in 2009 could come back to haunt the franchise.

Least Interesting Player In This Series: Phoenix plugger Boyd Gordon, a fine defensive forward, may be the most nondescript player on the most nondescript team in the NHL. Plus, he's another one of those guys with "Last Name First" disease. Stop bullshitting us, Gordon Boyd, there's supposed to be a comma in there somewhere.

Carnac Says: "Coyote Ugly".

"Describe Dave Tippett's gameplan."

Prediction: Coyotes in 7


May Brian Burke loosen the ties on your sister's undergarments.

Enjoy the first round!

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Detroit Red Wings Presented By Amway, 2/25/12

The Good Guys: Beat Columbus like a drum last night, 5-0. David Jones was the hero, with two goals, and Semyon Varlamov folded the Jackets neatly and put them away. Seeing Jones and Paul Stastny getting hot at the right time warms the cockles of my dark heart.

Bunch Of Dicks: Well, well, well...hello there, Detroit! We understand that you had your cute little home unbeaten streak* ended by the Canucks on Thursday, and that you're pretty unhappy with that. We're not very happy about it either, because we were hoping the Avs would be the ones to end it. You'll have to forgive us if we are rude guests tonight, because we're in the middle of a battle to get into the playoffs. We have a new friend. His name is Steve Downie, and he's paid to dislike you. He will be going around to properly introduce himself to each of your players at various points this evening.

We Like: Beating Detroit. So let's do it.

We Don't Like: Knowing that our team speed advantage will be neutralized by Detroit's *COUGHLEGALIZEDINTERFERENCECOUGH* "subtle pick plays" tonight, since Detroit are the Special Little Children and accordingly, are above the silly rules and regulations the rest of the NHL must play by.

Randomly: Evgeni Malkin is better than everybody else in the world at the hockey.

Potential Hero: JS Giguere is back in net for the Avs tonight. Rumors have linked Giguere to Philadelphia to partner with his old Anaheim running mate, Ilya Bryzgalov. I like Giguere alot, he's been fantastic for the Avs this season, and I wouldn't settle for anything less than James van Riemsdyk in return. If Philly isn't okay with that, then that's too bad. Watch for Giguere to be the difference tonight if the Avs are able to pick up two points.

Potential Goat: Tonight's potential goat is Whichever Av Fails To Stop Kyle Quincey From Scoring, which we all know by now is as safe a bet as there is for an Avs fan. Former Avs are superhuman, and if Joe Sacco doesnt assign someone to take Quincey out, John Kreese-style, then he should be fired immediately.

Final Thought: Has there ever been a more beloved bad hockey player than Tomas Holmstrom? Imagine if Detroit WAS forced to play by the same rules as the other 29 teams. Holmstrom would've been out of the league by 2001.

Red Wings 5, Avs 4

AVS GAMEDAY SPECIAL: The Poison Pen on Dispelling the Detroit Draft Myth

One of our ongoing themes here at Bad Altitude Hockey is our insistence that more casual/novice NHL fans have been sold a bill of goods by the league about the infallibility of the modern-day Detroit Red Wings Presented By Amway. Watch a TV broadcast of an AmWings game, look anywhere on the internet, and it's nonstop glowing stories about Nick Lidstrom (deserved, grudgingly), Mike "Hi Ho" Babcock (not so much), and others associated with Detroit hockey (seriously, the "Chris Osgood for the Hall of Fame arguments were an insult to any fan even semi-familiar with the NHL for the past 15 years). Earlier this season, we re-familiarized ourselves with some of the shady history between the Avs and Wings, and some of the more loathesome among the current cast of characters in Detroit. Today, we focus on the mindless mythology surrounding Detroit's drafting capabilities. In particular, we'll examine the widely-held notion that Detroit's late-round picks have been a consistent, recurring boon to their current roster and system.

First off, let's get this out of the way right off the bat: yes, Detroit drafted Pavel Datsyuk in the 6th round of the '98 draft, 171st overall. Detroit followed that up in 1999 by picking Henrik Zetterberg in the 7th round with the 210th overall pick. These were two generational low-round draft picks, two guys that put an aging Wings core on their back to keep the team respectable as the Yzermans and Shanahans faded away and left, and then combined with the holdover Lidstrom to take a solid team with questionable goaltending to a Stanley Cup in 2008. Credit where it's due. Certainly, by any standard, finding two arguable, borderline Hall Of Famers in the 6th and 7th rounds in consecutive seasons is remarkable; so remarkable, in fact, that we are willing to ignore the duds the AmWings picked BEFORE those players in their draft years. Illustrious names such as Ryan Barnes and Tomek Valtonen (both 2nd rd, 1998), Brent Hobday (4th rd, 1998), Jari Tolsa (4th rd, 1999) and Andrei Maximenko (5th rd, 1999) dot those draft lists. Certainly, AmWings apologists will howl "WELL, 28 OTHER TEAMS PASSED THOSE GUYS UP, WE KNEW NOBODY ELSE IS AS SMART AS WE ARE, SO WE COULD AFFORD TO LET DATSYUK AND ZETTERBERG FALL!", and that's because AmWings fans are insufferable, arrogant simps. The thought process to truly believe that the Wings just KNEW those two players would fall into their laps that late in their draft years takes an almost unbelievable stretch in logic.  Undoubtedly, their scouting department did their due diligence on the two players, but to insist that they were anything more than just late-round flyers that panned out famously is simply obtuse. In fact, to completely buy into the argument that Detroit knew what they were doing because they're smarter than everyone else in the room would lead one to believe that the Wings would have drafted EVERY late-round "steal" in subsequent seasons. To that end, let's start in draft year 2000, and work our way up through the first post-lockout draft, 2005, and see how our delicate genius friends in "Hockeytown" did in the late rounds (6th and beyond).

2000 late-round "steals": Henrik Lundqvist (G, round 7, 205th overall, NYR); Matthew Lombardi (C, round 7, 215th overall, Edm); Paul Gaustad (C, round 7, 220 overall, Buf); Antti Miettinen (LW, round 7, 224th overall, Dal)
2000 late-round Detroit picks: Par Backer (C, round 6, 187th overall); Paul Ballantyne (D, round 6, 196th overall)

2001 late-round "steals": Dennis Seidenberg (D, round 6, 172nd overall, Phi); Ryane Clowe (LW, round 6, 175th overall, SJ); Marek Zidlicky (D, round 6, 176th overall, NYR); Jussi Jokinen (LW, round 6, 192nd overall, Dal); Brooks Laich (C, round 6, 193rd overall, Ott); Johnny Oduya (D, round 7, 221st overall, Wsh); Marek Svatos (RW, round 7, 227th overall, Col); Milan Jurcina (D, round 8, 241st overall, Bos)
2001 late-round Detroit picks: Nick Pannoni (G, round 6, 195th overall); Dmitry Bykov (D, round 8, 258th overall)

2002 late-round "steals": Ian White (D, round 6, 191st overall, Tor); Maxime Talbot (C, round 8, 234th overall, Pit)*; Dennis Wideman (D, round 8, 241st overall, Buf)
2002 late-round Detroit picks: Jimmy Cuddihy (C, round 6, 197th overall); Derek Meech (D, round 7, 229th overall); Pierre-Olivier Beaulieu (D, round 8, 260th overall); Christian Soderstrom (D, round 9, 262nd overall); Jonathan Ericsson (D, round 9, 291st overall)
* - denotes player(s) that singlehandedly outscored Detroit in game 7 of a Stanley Cup Final

2003 late-round "steals": Joe Pavelski (C, round 7, 205th overall, SJ); Tobias Enstrom (D, round 8, 239th overall, Atl); Dustin Byfuglien (D, round 8, 245th overall, Chi); Shane O'Brien (D, round 8, 250th overall, Ana); Matt Moulson (LW, round 9, 253rd overall, Pit); Jaroslav Halak (G, round 9, 271st overall, Mtl); David Jones (RW, round 9, 288th overall, Col)
2003 late-round Detroit picks: Andreas Sundin (LW, round 6, 170th overall); Stefan Blom (D, round 6, 194th overall); Tomas Kollar (LW, round 7, 226th overall); Vladimir Kutny (LW, round 8, 258th overall); Mikael Johansson (C, round 9, 289th overall)

2004 late-round "steals": Roman Polak (D, round 6, 180th overall, StL); Troy Brouwer (LW, round 7, 214th overall, Chi); Chris Campoli (D, round 7, 227th overall, NYI); Pekka Rinne (G, round 8, 258th overall, Nsh); Mark Streit (D, round 9, 262nd overall, Mtl); Jannik Hansen (RW, round 9, 287th overall, Van)
2004 late-round Detroit picks: Anton Axelsson (LW, round 6, 192nd overall); Steve Covington (RW, round 7, 226th overall); Gennady Stolyarov (RW, round 8, 257th overall)

2005 late-round "steals": Matt D'Agostini (RW, round 6, 190th overall, Mtl); Sergei Kostitsyn (RW, round 7, 200th overall, Mtl); Patric Hornqvist (RW, round 7, 230th overall, Nsh)
2005 late-round Detroit picks: Juho Mielonen (D, round 6, 175th overall); Bretton Stamler (D, round 7, 214th overall)

Some things we can take away from this list:

• Most teams are represented at least once, with several showing up two or more times
• Detroit drafted exactly ONE player past the fifth round that is still with the team (Ericsson), and two fringe players that saw any time at all in the NHL (Bykov, Meech).
• Interesting to note several players passed on by the "geniuses" in Detroit that have come back to haunt the Wings (Talbot, Pavelski, and Clowe, most notably).

Just remember this list the next time you hear some mindless talking-head shrilling at the draft about Ken Holland's late-round "gems", and bear in mind that if they're referring to anything that's happened in the past 13 years, they're just not paying attention.

AVS GAMEDAY SPECIAL: Poison Pen Presents a Hater's Guide To The Detroit AmWings

As a fan of a team involved in a lapsed rivalry, sometimes it's easy to forget why you ever hated your rival in the first place. Years pass, the names of the backs of the sweaters change, new rivals emerge. Some rivals, however, will always have a place in your black little heart; their words forever spoken with a forked tongue, their misdeeds numerous and appropriately grievous. I present to you, along with their spiffy new OFFICIAL SPONSOR, AMWAY, tonight's opponent, the Detroit Red Wings.

How did we get here?  Oh sure, everybody points to Kris Draper's facial reconstruction as the catalyst for the Avs/Wings bloody war of the late 90s. It dovetails nicely with the lazy "CLAUDE LEMIEUX IZ A CHEAPSHOT ARTIST!!!11!!1!!1!!!" narrative, doesn't it? That's why we don't remember the actual genesis of the bad blood: Slava Kozlov going all WWF turnbuckle with Adam Foote's head during game 3 of the 1996 Western Conference Finals.

Shocking video proof! This actually happened. Doesn't jive well with the official "Hockeytown" version of the story, does it? So, as any honorable man would do, Claude Lemieux went out and evened the score with a nice little how-do-you-do to Kozlov, perhaps to remind Kozlov that you don't do that to a teammate of CLAUDE FUCKING LEMIEUX. Oh, and then the Draper thing. Draper was ugly anyway.

March 26, 1997. Yeah, we remember that too. We remember all the mousy Detroit players playing with their tails tucked between their legs (plenty of extra space there that other men don't have, you'll note) during the matchups played in Denver prior to March 26th. Somehow, the mild-mannered, well-behaved Red Wings magically turned into...cheapshot artists? No, of course not. When the Red Wings do it, it's REVENGE, right? And revenge is what they got, as Darren "8-ball" McCarty suckerpunched Claude Lemieux from behind, Mike Vernon gashed Patrick Roy with a buckle from his goalie equipment, and Detroit scored a 6-5 overtime win on a McCarty goal. Wait, did you say McCarty scored the goal? What was he still doing in the game after being involved in a fight that featured him suckerpunching his opponent? What was he still doing in the game, indeed.

What's with the tinfoil hats?
Jokes circulate hockey blogs regarding Detroit fans and their built-in persecution complex. The commissioner is out to get them, TV analysts are out to get them, referees are out to get them, fans of other teams don't respect them.

What's outstanding is the fact that the Red Wings get more sloppy lubbins than any team in the NHL from the referees. For years, Detroit's patented "pick" plays have been allowed, regardless of the fact that "pick" plays are what 29 other teams get penalized for under the term "interference". It's a trend that began under legendary Detroit sourpuss "Cheapshot Scott" Bowman, who held sway over referees like no other coach in NHL history. Somewhat inexplicably, it's continued under the reign of Kermit The Frog soundalike Mike Babcock. In addition to these "pick" plays, can we think of anything else Detroit routinely gets away with that no other team in the league does? Hmm, let's think really hard here...

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to skate with a goalie growing out of my asshole?"

Why yes, it's our longtime friend, the least-talented player in the NHL, ratfaced little Tommy Holmstrom. The next time you see the Red Wings, make sure you pay attention to number 96. He's easy to find: he skates directly to the opposing goal and stands there like he's frozen in carbonite, just waiting for a puck to bounce off of him and past the impeded goaltender. Detroit fans, naturally, don't see it this way. Detroit fans see it as "Homer" doing his job. Just for shits n' gigs, ask a Detroit fan their opinion of Ryan Smyth or Corey Perry. Then, bottle that opinion and label it "Hypocrisy Concentrate". Listening to a Detroit fan bitching about the 5 or 6 times a year "Homer" DOES get nailed for goaltender interference is the same as listening to the rich kid bitching about having his Mercedes taken away for the weekend.

Speaking of rampant Detroit hypocrisy...

KRONWALLED! That's right, "Macho Man" Niklas Kronwall and his "legal" flying elbows/charges. Of course, Kronwall isn't unique. He's just following in the footsteps of another Detroit thug, Vladimir Karma-ntinov.

"Hockeytown"
"Hockeytown! Mr Hockey played here, so this must be HOCKEYTOWN! Let's paint it in the middle of our ice so everybody knows this is a Town of Hockey! Paint it REAL BIG, in REAL BIG BLACK LETTERS, even paint it OVER TOP OF OUR LOGO! Make it REALLY REALLY NOTICEABLE to viewers at home, and maybe nobody will notice that 60% of the visible seats in the building are empty!"

I could keep going very easily. I could fill up 90 inches of valuable interwebs detailing my disdain for everything about this franchise, the organization, the players. But I won't. Don't need to. If you're an Avs fan and you're reading this, you probably have 50 things of your own that you loathe about this whining pack of hypocritical dogs. Every now and then, though, it's nice to reaffirm to ourselves that the disgust we developed over a simmering 6-8 years was not without merit.

And dare I say, fun? We'll see you on the other side of your impending rebuild, you bitches.

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Detroit Red Wings Presented By Amway, 10/8/11

Know The Enemy: Detroit AmWings (1-0-0, 2 pts); defeated the Ottawa AHL Senators 5-3 last night in their season opener.

Key On This Guy: "Dangling Through The Stars" champion Pavel Datsyuk, who is one of the premiere two-way players in the game today despite having the head-to-body ratio of a ventriloquist's dummy.

Laugh At This Guy: Grinning Idiot Justin Abdelkader, who is likely to spend another year agitating players before realizing his team doesn't have a heavyweight to back up his mouth. Has a taste for glove leather.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Rookie Cory Emmerton, who scored his second career goal in his third NHL game last night, which means he hasn't been wearing the winged wheel long enough for me to find things to really hate about him. Except his stupid rookie face.

Fact About The AmWings That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Amway is not the first official sponsor the Wings have had. In the past, they have been sponsored by Tylenol, lead-based paint, serial killer John Wayne Gacy, and asbestos.

Celebrity Prediction: Each Avs game this season, a MAJOR CELEBRITY will offer words of wisdom regarding the upcoming tilt. To honor tonight's "man of the hour" Peter Forsberg, here instead is an outstanding Youtube tribute to Peter the Great.

How else would an Avs game against Detroit end on Peter Forsberg night? How about a dramatic overtime game-winner from our next Swedish star, Gabriel Landeskog? Sounds good to me.

GO AVS GO

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Central Division

Chicago Blackhawks
2010-11 Lazy Review: The 2009-10 defending champions succumbed to the dreaded Stanley Cup hangover. Actually, the 6 or 7 players that remained from that championship roster suffered from it, but you get my point.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Hawks reloaded some after a year in salary cap hell, adding quality depth up front in Andrew Brunette, regular depth up front in Jamal Mayers, and Fingerbangin' Daddy's Little Girl depth up front in Daniel Carcillo.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: A weakened Chicago squad pushed perennial playoff bitch Vancouver to a sphincter-tightening Round 1, 7th game overtime period before succumbing. The Hawks combine a superior mix of good coaching, veteran talent, and championship experience with the firm knowledge that they can make the defending conference champions shart in their breezers at will.

2011-12 Prediction: Patrick Kane realizes the ironic mullet/stripes combo is sooooooo 2010, and brings back the rat-tail for the playoffs.

Columbus Blue Jackets
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Jackets introduced a spiffy new alternate jersey, going with an innovative blend of navy blue and powder blue, along with a circular logo featuring a cannon. This marked the first time the NHL had seen a  navy/powder blue jersey with a circular logo introduced in nearly three days.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Jeff Carter era in Columbus got off to a tremendous start, as the newly acquired star spent approximately two weeks convincing himself that no, this isn't part of some elaborate practical joke designed to make him cry his own tears.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Columbus hopes the addition of Jeff Carter, in tandem with franchise winger Rick Nash, will give the team the coolest sounding crime-fighting duo name in the NHL. My guess: Carter is the badass, Nash is the sensitive one.

2011-12 Prediction: RJ Umberger will try to escape the five year contract extension he signed with the team this offseason, using the "I went to Ohio State, I never even learned to count to five" defense.

Detroit Red Wings Presented By Amway
2010-11 Lazy Review: "Hockeytown"s finest once again demonstrated their commitment to sharing and fair play by graciously allowing themselves to be gutted by San Jose in the second round for the 2nd season in a row.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The AmWings spent a tumultuous offseason saying goodbye to surefire Hall Of Famers Kris "Look At My Face" Draper and Chris Osgood, and replacing them with surefire Hall Of Famers Fabian Brunnstrom and Ty Conklin.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Hall Of Fame GM Ken Holland and Hall Of Fame coach Mike Babcock will again lean heavily on aging robot Nick Lidstrom and Hall Of Fame late-round draft picks Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk to carry a team loaded with Hall Of Fame underachievers like soft-hearted Jiri Hudler, future KHL allstar Valtteri Filppula, and horsefaced china doll Johan Franzen.

2011-12 Prediction: I will get at least 5 angry, semi-literate emails from Detroit fans who took their fingers out of their mouths long enough to bang out angry missives explaining why their team's sellout to Amway will help them build a new arena somewhere in Rochester Hills.

Nashville Predators
2010-11 Lazy Review: After spending the past five seasons as the NHL's darling "Little Engine That Could Not Escape The First Round Of The Playoffs", the Predators finally broke through the glass ceiling and won a round. The organization decided to celebrate by blinding the rest of the league with lemon-colored jerseys.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Did you know that Shea Weber is going to be an unrestricted free agent at the end of this season? Did you know that? Because there are 29 other NHL GMs with napkins tied around their necks who know that.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: Preds GM David Poile has figured out the formula to remain competitive without having to overspend: draft nothing but defensemen, scour European leagues for mutant goaltenders with names that sound like sauna farts, and employ a head coach that looks like an adorable (if not gruff) nesting doll.

2011-12 Prediction: Nashville will shake up their struggling team with a mid-season trade, dealing defenseman Ryan Suter to the New York Islanders for a package of players who hate country music and just don't know it yet.

St. Louis Blues
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Blues reminded the rest of the NHL that they still exist with a blockbuster trade, sending former first overall draft pick Erik Johnson to Colorado for a package including Chris Goddam Stewart and shifty puck-moving blueliner Kevin Shattenkirk.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: St Louis projects to be a frisky opponent on any given evening, provided their talented-but-scatterbrained young players like TJ Oshie are focused on playing the game, rather than shiny objects hanging from the rafters.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Note has the potential to be a playoff party crasher this season. The team has been patient with young studs like defenseman Alex Pietrangelo and forward Oshie, and could see that patience rewarded once the organization hires a head coach to replace the pretty rock they've secretly placed behind the bench hoping nobody would notice.

2011-12 Prediction: The Blues and Avalanche will again find themselves talking major trade, this time with St. Louis sending their iconic arch to Denver for an 8.6 mile stretch of the Rocky Mountains.