Poison Pen Preview: Western Conference

If you missed it, I previewed the Eastern Conference on Monday. You're already here, so go read it.

Now, for our friends in the Western Conference. Gosh, you're such a swell bunch of rivals, and I have SO much respect for each and every one of you. Let's take a look at key players at each end of the spectrum, what the teams are doing for their fans to welcome them back, and prognosticate where each team will find itself at the end of this truncated, bastard cash grab of a season.

 

 

Central Division

 

Chicago Blackhawks

 

Best Player: "Captain Serious", Jonathan Toews. Toews is, by all accounts, the most respected young player in the NHL with a really shitty nickname, edging out "Sid the Kid" and "The Great 8".

 

Worst Player: How does Sheldon Brookbank keep falling into NHL contracts? Also, if you're Chris Campoli and you see that your former team would rather have Brookbank on their roster than you...it's time to start thinking about a new line of work, right? Like, he sees this, yeah?

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Chicago is going into it's THIRD season with a core good enough to compete for a Stanley Cup...and Corey Crawford standing between the pipes. If Stan Bowman is ever in charge of your night out, DON'T GO, because Billy Joel will end up your designated driver.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Hawks fired their best bullet in the chamber a few years ago when they really reached out to their fans and rewarded them for their loyalty by...deciding to show the team's home games on television. This year, don't put it past the Hawks to give their fans permission to record those televised games on their VCRs.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Columbus Blue Jackets

 

Best Player: It's probably not a good sign that I had to visit the team's roster on their website to figure out an answer to this question. It's probably an even worse sign that I wondered if I could just skip this category for the Jackets. After careful consideration (I drew a name out of a hat) I decided on Fedor Tyutin, because that's the name I drew out of the hat.

 

Worst Player: I so desperately wanted this to be one of the players they got from the Rangers for Rick Nash, but alas, I couldn't in good conscience NOT say Derek MacKenzie.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? "Hey, remember that guy who was good for us like 4 years ago and ever since then has been an inconsistent headcase that hasn't been able to even approach his former level of play? Let's give him another chance!" Welcome back, Steve Mason!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: A few years ago, the Jackets installed a Civil War cannon that's fired after every goal. This year, lucky fans will be selected at random to fire the cannon after each Columbus goal, which means by the end of the season, at least six fans will have gone home happy.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

 

Hockeytown (Detroit Red Wings)

 

Best Player: Even a hater like me can't deny that Pavel Datsyuk is pretty great. Datsyuk occupies rarified air in my esteem, standing beside only the now-retired Nick Lidstrom and Sergei Federov as the only Red Wings players I had grudging respect for. Oops, sorry, I forgot to bolden, italicize, underline, and jack up the font on that one really relevant pertinent and important part:

 

THE NOW-RETIRED NICK LIDSTROM

 

okay, that's out of my system.

 

Worst Player: I feel like I may be a little unduly pessimistic about Mikael Samuelsson. Hell, maybe this, his 14th stint in Detroit, may be the time he finally figures out how to hit the net.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Is it possible that the dropoff between Nick Lidstrom and Ian White is really all that much? I mean, people slightly downgrade from a Maybach to a station wagon with woodgrain paneling and it works out fine ALL THE TIME WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Fans in attendance and watching at home on opening night will be treated to a spectacular laser show designed to hypnotize them into thinking Damien Brunner is Brendan Shanahan, they're in the year 1998, and the whole octopus thing isn't dated and stupid.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Nashville Predators

 

Best Player: This is an easy one: Shea Weber, the cute girl that all the rich jocks (Philly, Detroit, the Rangers) want to date, but ends up going to the prom with the bucktoothed hayseed. That's you Nashville. Oh, and you're paying her $110 million to go with you, you perverts.

 

Worst Player: Know who else has a job? Brian McGrattan. Hey, he's got a family to feed too, I guess. His family is definitely ashamed of him.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Hey, remember when David Poile gave up a first round draft pick for Paul Gaustad? Well, they kept Paul Gaustad, whose biggest contribution to any team in his career was the time he stood and watched Milan Lucic truck Ryan Miller as though he had a camera in his hand and a press pass around his neck. We brought Paul Gaustad here to win faceoffs, ladies and gents, and maybe he'll do it.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Four words: "Faith Hill Panties Giveaway".

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

 

St Louis Blues

 











Best Player: Defenseman Alex Pietrangelo, the best player in the league whose surname has a pastry in it. He is really, really good. If he really was a pie, he'd be Huckleberry.

 

Worst Player: Hey, Jeff Woywitka's not in the AHL, which is probably why the Mayan apocalypse couldn't happen the way it was supposed to.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? This one isn't so much a "who" as it is a "what". That "what" is, they're counting on Ken Hitchcock not getting strangled to death by one of the players. You see, because Ken Hitchcock is a pain in the ass, and nobody likes him, and why does he look like that? So lumpy.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Blues have gone the charitable route, reaching out to fans and communities of all 30 NHL franchises by donating enough food to fill the food banks in their areas, and they did it simply by raiding Keith Tkachuk's refrigerator.

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

 

Pacific Division

 

Anaheim Ducks

 

Best Player: Sorry, Corey Perry and Ryan Getzlaf. Come see me when youre 40, when you've scored over 600 goals, when you shoot your glove out of the air with your stick to celebrate those goals, and when you're from Finland. It's Teemu Selanne.

 

Worst Player: Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, captain of the Starship Suck.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jolly Bruce Boudreau injected life into the struggling Ducks when he was brought in to replace Randy Carlyle last season, but once giggling players discovered "Bruce Boudreau" was the name Elmer Fudd was using to conceal his identity, the team fell off the pace.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: During their January 26th home game against Nashville, Anaheim will ice an entire team of actual ducks to play against the Predators. Paul Gaustad will stand and watch the biggest one peck at Pekka Rinne.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Dallas Stars

 

Best Player: Sniper Loui Eriksson is a threat to score every time he's on the ice. Eriksson has a knack of finding spots where no one sees him. In that sense, he's a perfect fit in Dallas.

 

Worst Player: Defenseman Jordie Benn, who also drinks the milk out of brother Jamie's cereal bowl when he's done eating it, dates women that his brother has dumped, and still wears his brother's hand-me-up skates.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Guys named Tomas Vincour and Colton Sceviour, that's who. I've never seen either one of them, but if they don't wear matching ascots when they go to dinner, then they're not the men they could be.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Some teams will choose a night or two to honor legends of the sport. The Stars will be hosting legends night every night of the season after signing What's Left Of Ray Whitney and What's Left Of Jaromir Jagr.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

Los Angeles Kings

 

Best Player: Conn Smythe trophy winner Jonathan Quick will lead the defending Stanley Cup champs into their lockout-shortened title defense. Goalie Quick, captain Dustin Brown, and former King and current broadcaster Jim Fox will be jumping over the lazy dogs of the Western Conference on a nightly basis once the season is underway.

 

Worst Player: The defending champs don't really have a "worst player", per se, but I'd want to punch a guy named Kyle Clifford right in the dick on principle alone. You can't be named "Kyle Clifford" and still be a good person.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The West Hollywood Two, Mike Richards and Jeff Carter, likely spent the better part of the last 6 months drinking Jose Cuervo and crushing the dreams and vaginas of waitresses just looking for a break into the business. What shape will they be in once games start? Will Coach Sutter notice their Gatorade bottles smell like Mad Dog 20/20? Does gonorrhea affect the accuracy of your shot? Many unanswered questions.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Kings fans and Ducks fans have been invited to take a group road trip to San Jose to pretend they're looking for those three Stanley Cups Sharks fans figured they would've had by now before laughing and laughing and laughing

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

Gary's Orphans

 

Best Player: I know you want me to say Shane Doan. Don't lie. You want me to say Shane Doan because you don't know who any of the other players on the Coyotes are, so you want me to say Shane Doan so you can nod sagely and rub your chin. But I'm not playing along, it's NOT Shane Doan. Shane Doan sucks. Phoenix doesn't have a best player.

 

Worst Player: It's @BizNasty2point0 HEY BIZ U SUCK MAN UR NOT EVEN NE GOOD U CANT BE TALKIN SHIT ON TWITTER HOW BOUT A RT

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Jerry Moyes  The NHL  Jim Balsillie  Jerry Reinsdorf  The NHL  Matthew Hulsizer  The NHL  Greg Jamison (?)

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey guys, uh, you know there's a hockey team that plays in town, right? Yeah, only it's about 45 minutes outside of town, but that's still pretty close compared to having to drive to Anaheim or LA or the Yucatan Peninsula or" *realizes they're talking to saguaro cactuses*

 

Prediction: 2nd place

 

San Jose Sharks

 

Best Player: Patrick Marleau. Haha, just kidding, said that just to piss Jeremy Roenick off. It's Logan Couture.

 

Worst Player: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of you has ever heard of Bracken Kearns. "Bracken Kearns" sounds like a Scottish euphemism for jerking off.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Joe Thornton, hahahahahahahaha. You can also count on daddy to come home when he says he's just going out for a pack of cigarettes.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Sharks management has decided to reward longtime season ticket holders by informing them they can do a "LETS GO SHARKS" chant in three quick beats rather than the droning "LETS GO SHAAAAAAARKS" that makes them sound like they're on quaaludes.

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Northwest Division

 

Calgary Flames

 

Best Player: Easily, Jarome Iginla. In fact, Iginla will remain the Flames' best player long after he's been traded for pennies on the dollar to a team that isn't run by Jay Feaster.

 

Worst Player: I'm going over this roster and I feel like Ben Roethlisberger at a sorority mixer. I want ALL of them. Why can't I pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler? Oh hey what the hell I WILL pick Krys Kolanos and Matt Stajan and Chris Butler.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Uh, Dennis Wideman? I guess? I mean, they gave him $25 million, so I guess it's Dennis Wideman. I really hope Flames fans can talk themselves into Dennis Wideman, for their sake. Heh.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Remind them that the last time there was a lockout, the Flames had just come off an appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals, and they can do it again! And then hope none of them figure it out.

 

Prediction: 5th place

 

Edmonton Oilers

 

Best Player: For all the good young players we keep hearing about on this club, are any of them regarded as "the best" of them? I really like Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, but it could be any of the RNH/Hall/Eberle trio. Edmonton is the only team in this division I can't work up a bunch of hate for. Yet.

 

Worst Player: I am so, SO sad that I can't write Zack Stortini in this space, but then I realized Andy Sutton still plays here so, nice! Also, if you're on a team with Ben Eager and he's not the worst player on the team, your team may be in trouble.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? The Oilers have three choices: 40 year old Nikolai Khabibulin (40!), Devan Dubnyk , or another karmically friendly lottery ball. We all know how this is ending, don't we?

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: Threatening to move the team to Seattle! REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY.

 

Prediction: 3rd place

 

 

MinneSuter Parises

 

Best Player: Clearly a two-horse race between Zach Parise (who spent his summer curing the common cold) and Suter Trophy favorite Ryan Suter, the man who they re-named the Norris Trophy for. Co-best players!

 

Worst Player: Haha, THE REST OF THEIR ROSTER. Look at it! Gaze upon it. Actually, Mikko Koivu is pretty good, but the rest of them are very Nate Prosser-esque. This roster is the Nate Prosser of rosters.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Oh, Dany Heatley is your scoring depth? Or Pierre-Marc Bouchard? Mikael Granlund is nothing more than a Youtube highlight right now.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: The Wild went out and spent close to $200 million on two players to get their boring fans all excited, and promptly locked them out for being overpaid. Wait, that was their gimmick to drive their fans away, sorry, got that one mixed up. Um, FREE BLOND HAIRED, BLUE EYED PUPPIES FOR EVERYONE!

 

Prediction: 4th place

 

 

Vancouver Canucks

 

Best Players: Jesus Christ, I can't wait until the Ginger Twins are gone so I don't have to keep playing the "haha theyre the SAME" game. Ask a Canucks fan who the best player on the team is and they'll say it's Cory Schneider, because they're still suffering smoke inhalation from their legendary Stanley Cup Loss Celebration With Fire Parade in 2011.

 

Worst Player: "VAN - Signed D Cam Barker..." was as far as I made it before I got the giggles. Barker is keeping this space warm for future multi-time "worst player" winner Zack Kassian.

 

Wait, they're counting on who? Nobody special, just that one goalie they had a couple years ago that got them to the Stanley Cup Final and have been trying to give him away ever since. What was his name? Ah well, it doesnt matter anyway, once they dump him they have something named Joe Cannata backing up Cory Schneider, so stay healthy Cory!

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Tyler Bozak Jersey Tshirt Night" to take place on January 23rd, celebrating the newest member of the Canucks organization.

 

Prediction: 1st place

 

AND FINALLY...

 

Colorado Avalanche

 

Best Player: Are we talking "best player that's currently signed to the club" or "best player that's being squeezed by an increasingly cheap ownership group being fronted by a bean-counter GM"? Because there are two different answers based upon that. The best player currently on the roster is Matt Duchene. Yes, I like Landeskog. Yes, I love Landeskog. Yes, he's only played one season. One more like last year, his name is in this spot next season.

 

Worst Player: @AnthraxJones You misspelled "sucks" "RT @MChambersDP: Chuck Kobasew sick, won't travel. Looks like Bordeleau will make NHL debut vs Minnesota”





 

Wait, they're counting on who? Yeah, who's gonna be taking Ryan O'Reilly's place while he's getting paid as he deserves over in the KHL while Stan Kroenke's wallet is tucked inside his prostate over here? John Mitchell? Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

 

Gimmick to win back the fans: "Hey Avs fans, thanks for being patient with us while we rebuild with young talent! By the way, don't expect us to PAY the young talent when their contracts are up! Oh, and fuck you!"

 

Prediction: 2nd place. O'Reilly signed by this time next week. And I'm still a bitch.

 

Go Avs go.







 

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Calgary Flames, 3/20/12

The Good Guys: Capped off a successful three game visit to the east coast with a 3-1 win over the Rangers on St Patrick's Day. Semyon Varlamov stole the show in Manhattan, outduelling all-world Rangers keeper Henrik Lundqvist, and kept the Avs in the Western Conference playoff picture. Colorado is currently lodged in the 8th and final spot, tied with Phoenix with 83 standings points, although the Coyotes have a game in hand.

Bunch Of Dicks: There's a good reason I've neglected to do two or three of the Gameday Primers for games against the Flames, and it's the same reason people don't write about their bowel movements. There's never been a greater dichotomy between player I respect and like (Jarome Iginla) and team I don't like. There arent many things in hockey I'd like more than to see Iginla get traded to a team that gives him a chance to win the Stanley Cup. Calgary is about as close to winning a Stanley Cup as my beer league team. Tonight, the Avalanche have a chance to really push the Flames to the very edge of the playoff bubble, and for me, it would be as good as a playoff win, and also, as good as sex.

Maybe.

We Like: Isn't this fun, guys? Remember watching this team at this time last season? Reeling from the aborted Forsberg comeback, trying to process the stunning Stewart/Shattenkirk trade to St. Louis, and watching the team win two games out of what seemed like their final 400. Brian Elliott? Whether this year's version of the Avs ends up making the playoffs or not, this has been a fun season, and lots of the promise we hoped to see is blooming in front of our eyes. Let's enjoy this last two weeks.

We Don't Like: Look, I understand the temptation, I really do. I want it as bad as everybody else does. We only heard mumblings of it early in the season, and I was as guilty as anybody else was. Who knows, maybe eventually it WILL be appropriate, but it sure isn't yet. So I beg you, Avs fans and hockey observers everywhere: please, please, PLEASE stop comparing Gabriel Landeskog to Peter Forsberg. Not only is it premature, it's inaccurate. Love Landeskog already, I'm even willing to replace the "o" in his last name with a little heart. That all said...he's not Peter Forsberg. If anything, I see a potentially more physical Marian Hossa in Landeskog, which isn't Forsberg, but it's nothing to sneeze at either. Comparing Landeskog to Forsberg is unfair to the kid.

Randomly:  When I came out on Twitter and declared my undying man crush on Gabriel Landeskog taking shape in the form of the 3rd-grade-girlish "replace the letter with a heart", I wasnt the only one. I was also joined by our friend Jay of the terrific Avs Hockey Podcast, which is a site you should be visiting regularly if you're an Avs fan. Jay and his partner in crime James make the burgundy and blue world go 'round, but you already knew that.

Potential Hero: Semyon Varlamov. Or haven't you been paying attention?

Potential Goat: Jeff Shantz, for old time's sake. Seriously, f Jeff Shantz.

Final Thought: Win tonight and Calgary can take a long hike off a short bridge. Lose tonight, and I may do the same.

Flames 3, Avs 2

AVS GAMEDAY SPECIAL: A Look Back At The Chris Drury Trade

The date: October 1st, 2002. It's about 5:30 PM, and I'm still at work, listening to the local sports radio station. The news jock is doing the half-hour update, the usual local dreck about the Steelers/Pitt football/Penn State football (aside: this is right around the time when...well, you know what), and then this little nugget slips in at the end:

"...and in NHL news, the Colorado Avalanche trade Chris Drury and Stephane Yelle to Calgary for Derek Morris, Dean McAmmond, and Jeff Shantz."

I must qualify that by saying I didn't hear about 70% of what he said, because my brain melted when I heard the words "trade" and "Chris Drury". I can safely assume the radio guy named the other four players, but I'm not sure, because at that point, a large gray fuzzy cloud had settled in my head, the kind that only comes when you get such unexpected and unwelcome news. One of my co-workers was observant enough to glance over at me, and I'm sure the look on my face is what caused him to say "Oh man...oh god, I'm so sorry." I can honestly say that it's one of the three worst moments of my sports fan life.

The only two men in the world more upset about this trade than I was.

I was born in 1977, and I grew up playing baseball, not hockey. I played from age 5 tee-ball all the way into high school, and at one point, baseball was my life. Thus, it's no surprise that I had heard of Chris Drury long before he became a star in the NHL. It was 1989, and a group of kids my own age from Trumbull, Connecticut had shocked the dominant entry from Taiwan in the Little League World Series. I don't need to re-hash the details, because it's been beaten into the ground since then that Chris Drury was the star of that team, and was the winning pitcher in that final game. Drury ended up turning to hockey after a wrist injury derailed his baseball plans, and in 1994 he was drafted by the Quebec Nordiques. This excited me to no end, as I saw a contemporary of mine, a kid I could personally identify with, drafted by my favorite team. Drury went on to star at Boston University, winning the 1998 Hobey Baker award. The 1998-99 season opened with Chris Drury making the Avs roster, a training camp survivor, and it closed with him winning the Calder Trophy. Drury was the first player to win the Hobey Baker award AND the Calder Trophy, and his exploits through his rookie NHL season bore out that this kid was the real deal. Another strong performance in the 1999-2000 season cemented Drury as a part of the Avs future, and the following year he became a Stanley Cup champion. In 2001-02, Drury became a regular alternate captain, and mentally, I had pencilled him in as the next captain whenever Joe Sakic decided to hang up the skates. He was tough, he was talented, he was clutch; in short, he was everything you wanted your next captain to be. When a big goal needed scoring, Avs fans knew Chris Drury was going to be on the ice and more often than not, coming through.

Then came October 1st of 2002. Chris Drury and Stephane Yelle to Calgary for Derek Morris, Dean McAmmond, and Jeff Shantz. Pierre Lacroix and his massive ego decided that the team needed a stud defenseman to fill the hole that Ray Bourque's retirement had left, despite already having two stars on the blueline in Rob Blake and Adam Foote, in tandem with the solid Greg deVries and young Martin Skoula (who we didn't completely realize at the time was a black hole of suck). Now in fairness, Derek Morris played extremely well for Colorado, scoring 11 goals and notching 48 points in that first season, and played a smart, physical game besides. I liked Derek Morris as an Av, and I always wished him well when he left. Dean McAmmond was a place-filler (despite a two goal, first star of the game effort in a game against Pittsburgh, which always earns brownie points with me) before being moved back to Calgary later in that same season. Jeff Shantz was the first Colorado Avalanche player that I actively disliked, and Clark Griswold articulates my feelings about Jeff Shantz better than I ever could. The loss of Stephane Yelle proved a tough one to overcome, as he went to Calgary and was a valuable, dependable checker and penalty-killer for several good Flames teams in the subsequent years. For me though, it keeps coming back to Chris Drury. Drury spent one unhappy season in Calgary before being traded again, this time to Buffalo, where he spent three productive years, leading the Sabres to a President's Trophy and consecutive Eastern Conference Final appearances. He signed a massive contract with the New York Rangers, his boyhood team, and spent the remaining years of his career being underappreciated by the typically-lunatic Rangers fans before retiring this past offseason, rather than trying to hang on elsewhere.

There have been many players that have come and gone from the Avs over the years since the trade. Legends like Patrick Roy and Joe Sakic retired after Hall Of Fame careers. Rob Blake left via free agency. Adam Foote and Peter Forsberg, despite eventually returning to the Avs, were forced elsewhere after the 2004-05 lockout, and were never quite the same players. All that being said, October 1st of 2002 was the beginning of the end for the mini-dynasty the Avs had created since moving from Quebec in 1995. With Drury, the team had gone to the conference finals four consecutive times, and won a Stanley Cup. Without him, the team hasn't been out of the second round since, and their record in the second round is 2-12. I keep thinking about all the blown chances and missed opportunities: games 6 and 7 against Minnesota in 2003, both overtime losses; a 1-0 Game 3 loss to the Sharks in 2004 that could have kept the Avs in that series, an overtime loss in Game 3 to the Ducks in 2006 under similar circumstances. Chris Drury lived for those situations, came through time and again for Colorado, and Pierre Lacroix threw it away chasing after something he ended up not getting anyway. After the trade, I remember the words of John Buccigross: "Chris Drury is a leader and a winner. You don't trade a leader and a winner." He couldn't have been more right.

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Calgary Flames, 10/26/11

Know The Enemy: Calgary Flames (2-4-1, 5 pts); lost to Nashville 2-0 on Saturday.

Key On This Guy: By process of elimination, Flames captain Jarome Iginla, who is gonna look like a million bucks wearing a jersey of an actual contender sometime before the end of his illustrious career. Los Angeles, perhaps?

Laugh At This Guy: Windup-toy-on-ice Curtis Glencross, who would be an extremely effective NHL player if he didn't have a "Quaker Oats" logo tattooed on his forehead. If NHL players had to take the Wonderlic test, "GlenX" would be able to count his final score on one hand. That is, if he knew how to count.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Designated facepuncher Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, who might be a lousy NHL player, but his name gives me a boner. Projects to be a Baron or a Count once his NHL career is over.

Fact About The Flames That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The Flames play their home games in Calgary's "Saddledome", which was named in honor of its proximity to all the horse's asses that have played for the organization over the years.

Celebrity Prediction: Asshole Flames Fan Streaker From 2002

"Despite the fact that I cant BARE the thought of another Flames loss, the NAKED truth is with DANGLERS like Olli Jokinen, our Flames can't lose tonight! Final score Flames 4, Avala..."<slips on ice and is knocked cold>

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Northwest Division

Calgary Flames
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Flames got off to a putrid start and never recovered, despite coach Brent Sutter's constant exhortations of "HEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU GUUUUYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYS!!!!!!"

2011-12 Gut Reaction: <muffled giggling>

2011-12 Informed Reaction: <not even trying to hide the giggling>

2011-12 Prediction: Flames fans need to spend some time getting familiar with their blue-collar, lightly-skilled team, since they all have 7-year contracts and no-movement clauses and will be around for quite a long time.

Colorado Avalanche
2010-11 Lazy Review: A true Jeckyll-and-Hide-your-eyes team, the young Avs battled injuries and cheapskate ownership as I battled alcoholism.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: "So wait, Peter Budaj is in Montreal and Brian LOLiott is in St Louis? I LOVE OUR GOALTENDING! Who did we get to replace them?"

2011-12 Informed Reaction: I'll be providing a more in-depth look at the Avs on Friday, and the words "can it really get any worse?" will figure in prominently.

2011-12 Prediction: Avs rookie stud Gabriel Landeskog will prove himself worthy of the roster spot he's earned coming out of training camp, and will provide leadership to his new teammates, most of whom are two or three years younger than he is.

Edmonton Oilers
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Oilers struggled to another last place overall finish, and earned the right to the first selection in the entry draft. Once again, the Oilers provided the comic relief as they went to the podium and announced they were using that pick to select center Wayne Gretzky of the Sault Ste Marie Greyhounds.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Edmonton's dynamic young core, led by snipers Taylor Hall, Jordan Eberle, Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson, and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, will be entertaining to watch. Also entertaining to watch: Edmonton fans in the stands, as they start layering on long underwear, sweaters, coats, hats, gloves, and boots, midway through the first period in anticipation of having to walk back to their cars at the end of the game.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: "Last six guys that show up to the rink play defense tonight, fellas!"

2011-12 Prediction: Oilers' equipment manager Jeff Lang will run out of jersey nameplate materal by mid-November.

Minnesota Wild
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Wild did a bunch of stuff. Played in some games, probably? I'm sure they won some of them. Come to think of it, I dont remember seeing any highlights. Wait, they're still in the league, right?

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Minnesota comes into the new season after an offseason makeover that saw them trade their two best players to San Jose in exchange for the Sharks' sixth and seventh best players. Shrewd.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Wild expect 2003 Motorist Of The Year Dany Heatley to reinvigorate his career riding shotgun to Wild captain Mikko Koivu: a fine player, but not the premiere setup man in the league that Heatley played with in San Jose.

2011-12 Prediction: The sight of 18,000 fans in the Xcel Energy Center who are actually excited to see the Wild play will amaze me every single time I see it. Approximately 5 minutes later, I'll be asleep.

Vancouver Canucks
2010-11 Lazy Review: The Canucks rewarded their long-suffering fans with a team they could be proud of.  Of course, pride is all relative, as the players they're proud of are ne'er-do-wells like Alex Burrows, Maxim Lapierre, Kevin Bieksa, and approximately 72% of the rest of the grinning, smirking assholes in the NHL.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: Vancouver returns most of the key players from their Stanley Cup finalist team, including scoring sensations Henrik and Daniel Sedin, Selke candidate Ryan Kesler, and goaltender Roberto Luong...gah...gasp...ggggghhhhhhhhhh <turns blue>

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The Nucks figure to be one of two or three teams that have the ability to come out of the competitive Western Conference, along with the Sharks, Kings, and Blackhawks OMIGOD PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEEEASE LET SOMEBODY ELSE BEAT THE BLACKHAWKS.

2011-12 Prediction: Alex Burrows suffers a season-ending tongue injury in December, leading GM Mike Gillis to stroll behind Rogers Arena and pick another asshole off the Canucks' fruitful Asshole Tree. Past harvests have included Gino Odjick, Todd Bertuzzi, Jarkko Ruutu, and Matt Cooke.