AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Los Angeles Kings, 10/30/11

Know The Enemy: Los Angeles Kings (6-2-2, 14 pts); lost to Phoenix in OT 3-2 last night.

Key On This Guy: Kings center Superman, who uses the powers granted to him by the Earth's yellow sun to dominate and torture the Avs game after game, year after year. I have long believed the Kings have an unfair advantage by having Superman on their team. Wait, that's NOT Superman? The guy wearing 11? "Anze Kopitar"? Yeah okay, maybe thats his EARTH name. Avs fans know better though.

Laugh At This Guy: Tubby underachiever Dustin Penner, who has bounced in and out of lineups in Anaheim, Edmonton, and now Los Angeles due to a questionable work ethic. Penner would counter that he runs every day and lifts five times a day. What he WON'T tell you is that the "running" is to Burger King, and the "lifting" refers to forkfuls of birthday cake. It's not always his birthday, but hey, SOMEBODY'S birthday is today, right?

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Rookie blueliner Slava Voynov, who has gotten his NHL career off to a red-hot start, justifying dunderhead Kings GM Dean Lombardi's decision to fuck with franchise defenseman Drew Doughty's head all summer over a lousy $200,000 a season. So GREAT WORK, DEAN.

Fact About The Kings That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Previously referenced idiot Kings GM Dean Lombardi has not finished tweaking his roster, after adding former Flyers captain Mike Richards and pursuing free agent pivot Brad Richards over the summer. Before the trade deadline, expect Lombardi to attempt to sign free agent hooker Denise Richards to shore up the team's shaky "lesbian kissing", which ranks 29th in the NHL.

Celebrity Prediction: 2006 NAACP "Man Of The Year" Recipient, actor Michael Richards

"How am I going to pick against the team that traded that colored fellow for my namesake? Kings 4, Avs 1...giddyup."

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Edmonton Oilers, 10/28/11

Know The Enemy: Edmonton Oilers (5-2-2, 12 pts); beat Washington 2-1 last night.

Key On This Guy: Sophomore studmuffin Taylor Hall leads a group of young Oiler talent up front that rivals the Avs youngsters. Despite being a talented hockey player, do not entrust him to help you figure out a tricky Twitter password.

Laugh At This Guy: Vagabond shitheap Ben Eager, who was the first NHL player to sample the menu of the vaunted "Gary Roberts Diet", which consisted of a series of left hands and crushing humiliation.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Jordan Eberle, Taylor Hall's young running mate, who once played really well for Canada in a World Junior Championship. You can be forgiven if you didn't know that, as the musky cloud of mancrush the entire nation has on Eberle only extends down as far as remote areas of Montana and Detroit, where nobody lives.

Fact About The Oilers That May Or May Not Be Made Up: In an effort to make young stars Magnus Paajarvi-Svensson and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins feel more "at home", the Oilers encouraged all their veteran players to take a hyphenated last name. Popular examples inclue Andy Sutton-Expert, Shawn Horcoff-Albatross, and in an especially impressive show of selflessness, Nikolai Khabibulin-Designated-Driver went with the double hyphen.

Celebrity Prediction: Lauren Pronger, wife of former Oiler Chris Pronger

"Where are they playing? Because if it's in Edmonton, both teams and all the fans will be lucky to survive, between the freezing temperatures and hungry wolves roaming the tundra, much less worry about a stupid hockey game. Can't they go play somewhere relatively nice in comparison, like Anywhere Else In The World?"

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Calgary Flames, 10/26/11

Know The Enemy: Calgary Flames (2-4-1, 5 pts); lost to Nashville 2-0 on Saturday.

Key On This Guy: By process of elimination, Flames captain Jarome Iginla, who is gonna look like a million bucks wearing a jersey of an actual contender sometime before the end of his illustrious career. Los Angeles, perhaps?

Laugh At This Guy: Windup-toy-on-ice Curtis Glencross, who would be an extremely effective NHL player if he didn't have a "Quaker Oats" logo tattooed on his forehead. If NHL players had to take the Wonderlic test, "GlenX" would be able to count his final score on one hand. That is, if he knew how to count.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Designated facepuncher Pierre-Luc Letourneau-Leblond, who might be a lousy NHL player, but his name gives me a boner. Projects to be a Baron or a Count once his NHL career is over.

Fact About The Flames That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The Flames play their home games in Calgary's "Saddledome", which was named in honor of its proximity to all the horse's asses that have played for the organization over the years.

Celebrity Prediction: Asshole Flames Fan Streaker From 2002

"Despite the fact that I cant BARE the thought of another Flames loss, the NAKED truth is with DANGLERS like Olli Jokinen, our Flames can't lose tonight! Final score Flames 4, Avala..."<slips on ice and is knocked cold>

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Chicago Blackhawks, 10/22/11



Know The Enemy: Chicago Blackhawks (4-1-1, 9 pts); beat Colorado 3-1 on Thursday.

Key On This Guy: Jonathan Toews, popularly known as "Captain Serious", and half of the two-man comedy team of "Captain Serious and Admiral Tickles". He'd drive a knife through your face to win a hockey game.

Laugh At This Guy: Ladies man Daniel "Daddyfingers" Carcillo, a guy I'd worry about if I had a daughter. Actually, I'd only have to worry about it if my daughter was into guys that look like Gaddafi's autopsy photo.

Dont Sleep On This Guy: Andrew Brunette, who has been the most confounding combination of hero and villain in Avalanche history. He's scored huge goals both for and against the good guys, so don't bet against the slow-footed "Bruno" to tap dance on Avs fans hearts tonight.

Fact About The Blackhawks That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Former Blackhawks dimwit Jeremy Roenick, after famously being admonished by Avs goalie Patrick Roy during the 1996 playoffs, had to be convinced that jamming his high school class ring and his wife's engagement ring in his ears was not quite the same thing that Roy had referred to.

Celebrity Prediction: Peter Cetera, former lead singer of Chicago

"The final score for tonight's game will be either 25 or 6 to 4."

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Toronto Maple Leafs, 10/17/11

Know The Enemy: Toronto Maple Leafs (3-0-0, 6 pts); beat Calgary 3-2 on Saturday.

Key On This Guy: Former Avs defenseman John-Michael Liles, who looks to join an illustrious group of former Avs defensemen who magically transform into Bobby Orr the first time they line up with the opposition.

Laugh At This Guy: Leafs captain and former Flames star Dion Phaneuf, who can ask Sean Avery to tape his sticks for him any time he goes into a scoring drought.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Former Avs forward Phillipe Dupuis, who may as well be Mario Lemieux tonight based on the Liles Corollary noted above.

Fact About The Maple Leafs That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Leafs GM Brian Burke and coach Ron Wilson were teammates (and roommates) in the 1970s at Blowhard Arrogant Asshole That Nobody Likes University, a small college in Rhode Island.

Celebrity Guest: Bigoted, Cheap, Misogynistic Former Leafs Owner Harold Ballard

"Wait, Kessel is getting paid HOW much? <dies again>"

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Montreal Canadiens, 10/15/11

Know The Enemy: Montreal Canadiens (1-2-0, 2 pts); lost to Calgary(!) 4-1 on Thursday.

Key On This Guy: Defenseman PK Subban, one of the most electrifying young players in the entire NHL. You know he's good, because every fanbase in the Eastern Conference hates his guts.

Laugh At This Guy: Grammatically-challenged center Tomas Plekanec, who has been playing an elaborate prank on fans and media alike by making us believe his last name is pronounced "Plekanits". It's actually pronounced "Nets-cash".

Don't Sleep On This Guy: winger Max Pacioretty has come back from being stanchion'd by Bruins' Gargoyle Zdeno Chara late last season to start the season with the Canadiens. Pacioretty has been one of the team's most consistent threats that is taller than 5'2".

Fact About The Canadiens That May Or May Not Be Made Up: The motto painted in the Habs' dressing room is the French "Nos bras meurtris vous tendent le flambeau, à vous toujours de le porter bien haut.". The literal English translation of this motto is "Thank GOD the Nordiques moved right before they got good, and in a show of gratitude, they can have Patrick Roy for a bag of magic beans."

Celebrity Prediction: Yee Sook Ree

"Truly a sight to behold. A franchise beaten. The once great champ, now, a study in moppishness. No longer the victory hungry stallions we've raced so many times before, but a pathetic, washed up, aged ex-champion. Former Nords 3, Montreal 2."


AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Ottawa Senators, 10/13/11

Know The Enemy: Ottawa Senators (1-2-0, 2 pts); beat Minnesota 4-3 in a shootout on Tuesday.

Key On This Guy: Second-year defenseman Erik Karlsson is a slick, puck-moving defenseman in the mold of his teammate, 37 year old Sergei Gonchar, whose skates and stick coincidentally seem to be covered in mold.

Laugh At This Guy: Forget laughing AT Jason Spezza. Let's laugh WITH him.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Sens captain Daniel Alfredsson, unlike teammate Gonchar, still has some gas left in the tank. Look for "Alfie" to be a difference-maker come playoff time on Sidney Crosby's wing in Pittsburgh.

Fact About The Senators That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Ottawa will debut their alternate "throwback" jerseys tonight: a black uniform featuring a blend of red and cream colored striping with an "O" logo featured on it. The "O" stands for "O MY GOD GONCHAR HAS 2 YEARS AND $10 MILLION LEFT ON HIS CONTRACT???"

Celebrity Prediction: Ambiguously Gay Ottawa Spartan Pre-game Guy