Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Poison Pen: Season Preview, Atlantic Division

New York Islanders
2010-11 Lazy Review: The feisty young Islanders made sure nobody would take them lightly, similar in fashion to the way Paul Kersey made sure street trash would not take HIM lightly.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: A promising group of elite youngsters such as John Tavares, Nino Neiderreiter, and Calvin de Haan will be backstopped by a franchise goaltender, Rick DiPietro.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The "franchise" I referred to regarding DiPietro is MedExpress.

2011-12 Prediction: Islanders fans suffering through years of relocation talk will take solace when common sense prevails, and everybody realizes that neither Kansas City nor Quebec are islands.

New York Rangers
2010-11 Lazy Review: John Tortorella made f---ing sure his f---ing team was prepared every f---ing night, regardless of what the f---ing media and that a------ Brooksie thinks.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The Rags once again dove headfirst into the free agent pool and emerged with the most coveted free agent available, What's Left Of Brad Richards.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: While most of the hoopla surrounding the Rangers is for the newly-acquired Richards and overpaid ice-dancer Marian Gaborik, the Blueshirts will rise and fall on their superstar goalie, Henrik Lundqvist, and his backup, Some Guy That Might Play Three Times All Year.

2011-12 Prediction: The new catwalk seating area that hangs over the ice at Madison Square Garden will lead to a spate of season-ending neck and back injuries suffered by gawking players on "Ladies Night".

New Jersey Devils
2010-11 Lazy Review: In hindsight, Lou Lamoriello's title change to "Vice President Of Who Gives A Shit, I'm Out Of Here Whenever Brodeur Quits" should have been a clue.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: A healthy Zach Parise should help the Devils remain competitive enough that they won't get anything in return for Zach Parise when he leaves as an unrestricted free agent next summer.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: 39 year old Martin Brodeur will once again look to handle a workload of 70+ games this season, and the reason definitely won't be because he's desperately trying to pad his stats LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME I HAVE MORE WINS THAN PATRICK ROY WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME????

2011-12 Prediction: The Devils will once again miss the playoffs, leading Lou Lamoriello to gas new head coach Peter DeBoer at the end of the season and replace him with Ilya Kovalchuk while sneering at Devils owner Jeff Vanderbeek.

Philadelphia Flyers
2010-11 Lazy Review: Led by captain Mike Richards and star Jeff Carter, the Flyers claimed their first Cup championship since 1975. Unfortunately for long suffering hockey fans in Philadelphia, the Cup championship was Flip Cup.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: It's a good thing Wayne Simmonds didn't think that a banana being thrown at him meant that idiot in London was calling him a "fruit".

2011-12 Informed Reaction: A healthy Chris Pronger and a motivated Jaromir Jagr give the Flyers an outstanding chance to compete for the 1999 Stanley Cup.

2011-12 Prediction: Newly acquired goaltender/nature lover/eccentric Ilya Bryzgalov will question his decision to sign long-term with the Flyers when he realizes "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" is the name of a TV show, and not a legitimate weather forecast.

Pittsburgh Penguins
2010-11 Lazy Review: Pens head coach Dan Bylsma willed his depleted team to an impressive run, as rising stars like Kris Letang and unheralded youngsters like Mark Letestu and Ben Lovejoy stepped up to the challenge of answering questions about Sidney Crosby's health every single hour of every single day.

2011-12 Gut Reaction: The performance of the Penguins' other superstar, Evgeni Malkin, will be heavily scrutinized by hockey fans everywhere, being that 78 of the team's 82 games will be shown on Versus, NBC, CNBC, MSNBC, USA, MTV, Nickelodeon, or The Home Shopping Network.

2011-12 Informed Reaction: The reality of what separates the Penguins from the other elite contenders will become evident when Sidney Crosby returns to action, and is once again able to use his Medusa-face as a weapon against cowering referees.

2011-12 Prediction: Goaltender Marc-Andre Fleury will be sorely missed until his return in January, after a three month stint playing on the Steelers' offensive line.

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