Wednesday, November 23, 2011

AVS GAMEDAY PRIMER: Vancouver Canucks, 11/23/11

Know The Enemy: Vancouver Canucks (10-9-1, 21 pts); beat Ottawa 2-1 in OT on Sunday.

Key On This Guy: If it has a Sedin on the back of it's jersey, kill it with fire. The creepy twins have tortured the NHL in tandem...IN THE REGULAR SEASON. Unfortunately, tonight is the regular season.

Laugh At This Guy: That would be the entire Canucks fanbase. Where Detroit fans are loathsome in a crazy uncle conspiracy-theorist sort of way, Canucks fans are united by their belligerence, undue sense of entitlement, and repeated failure. Watching Canucks fans building themselves up for glory and then falling victim to new and creative ways of blowing it all gives me the same sense of joyful deja vu I get seeing Charlie Brown lining up to kick the football, and watching Lucy yank it away. The only difference is, if Charlie Brown reacted to his inherent victimhood the way Canucks fans do, he'd beat Linus within an inch of his life and torch Snoopy's doghouse. I feel safe making fun of these farm animals, because they can't burn down or smash the windows out of my blog.

Don't Sleep On This Guy: Danish dickhead Jannik Hansen, a product of a recent harvest from the Canucks' fertile Asshole Tree. Don't be fooled by his low profile; on any other team, Hansen would be seen as an agitating presence with a demonstrated ability to score timely goals. Hansen flys under the radar in Vancouver  because this Canucks squad is the 1927 Yankees of Jerkoff-itude.

Fact About The Canucks That May Or May Not Be Made Up: Former Canucks bench boss Roger Neilson is given credit for "inventing" the waving of white towels in the playoffs after a tantrum thrown during a series with the Chicago Blackhawks in 1982. Not to be outdone, another former Canucks head coach, Marc Crawford, invented the "idiot coach jumps around barking and clapping like a seal" maneuver.

Celebrity Prediction: A Giant Ass

"Are you kidding me? Gotta go with my favorite team! Canucks 4, Avs 0!"

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